


you reap what you sow

by LynneDragn



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:41:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28813596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LynneDragn/pseuds/LynneDragn
Summary: When the depression got too much, Maka Albarn attempted suicide but failed. Her "worried" parents decided Abraham Springs Mental Institution for Troubled Youth was her best hope. Maka doesn't understand emotions, people or why she should remain alive when all she did was hate every second of her life. Will save her or kill her? DISCLAIMER. SoMa. REWRITE OF Abraham Springs.Abraham Springs but with more angst, drama and romance. It's a lot darker than the original as I saw potential to make it better.
Relationships: Maka Albarn/Soul Eater Evans
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> razors pain you;
> 
> rivers are damp;
> 
> acids stain you;
> 
> and drugs cause cramp.
> 
> guns aren't lawful;
> 
> nooses five;
> 
> gas smells awful;
> 
> you might as well live.

Everybody has bad days.

Days where they think it could never get better. It's normal, right? It happens to everybody. Those awful, gut-wrenching days where you just cannot wait for them to end. When all you want to do is curl up in dark room, tuck yourself under the sheets and hide from the world. Days were you in all honesty believe that the only way you could ever be happy again is to simply stop having any days at all.

For me, that was every day.

It had gotten to that point pretty quickly, I guess. Don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. We've all been there. It hurts, doesn't it? Feeling like there's no hope left in the world. But have you ever gotten so far gone that hope became something foreign to you? I had. And there was no way in hell I was going to cope with it any longer.

I had planned it all out perfectly.

The pill container was hidden under my mattress, along with the blade. The pill container was full of my Mama's 'Happy Meds', as she used to call them when I was a little kid. I always knew they were strong sleeping pills, so that my Mama could sleep through the sound of my Papa's infidelity with his 'co-worker' in his study. But don't worry, she wouldn't even notice they were gone. She relied on good 'ol whiskey to drown her sorrows now. But no more would I have to deal with that knowledge.

No more. I, Maka Albarn, was completely and utterly ready. It was a Wednesday, Mama's day off from work and favourite day of the week, which caused an unusually bright atmosphere to the dull household. You'd think that'd make me more reluctant to leave it all. Make me want to stay. However, it had to opposite effect. It made me want to go.

The light atmosphere just reminded me that it wouldn't last, it wasn't real. It was an illusion. The one-off day my parents thought they'd give me a break from all the screaming, shouting and yelling I'd been brought up in. Being raised in a web of negativity only made this day inevitable.

 _Bet they saw it coming,_ I thought morbidly as I made my way upstairs, finally home from the tedious day at school.

School wasn't a break from home. I really don't know what I hated more. My emotions were as fickle as the weather. In the summer, you wanted winter. In the winter, you wanted summer. Right? You always want what you don't have then, but when you finally get what you'd been hoping for, you regret it.

I wanted nothing more to be home when I was at school, as all the attention was on me, but in the worst way. The name calling, hair pulling, and chair kicking. Everything may seem like little things, but they were all enough to push me over the edge in the end.

Like winter and summer, home was the opposite of school. I was completely ignored, as if I was invisible. Most of the time that is. If ever I did receive any attention it was only ever negative, and usually involved my regularly drunk and heavy-handed Papa.

Isn't that enough reason to end it? The two lives I led, at home and at school were both pathetic, miserable lives that no one should be forced to live. So, why should I?

I opened my bedroom door and locked it behind me, half cursing, half thanking that I was sure that my parents wouldn't care enough to check on me when the deed was done. When would they finally notice? The smell? The fact no one had prepared them breakfast? Would the school call?

I didn't know and didn't care. I threw my bag to the floor, maybe a little too hard. The books caused a harsh bang on the wooden floor. The sound bounced off the walls of my grey room. I fell to my knees at the side of my bed a pulled the tools out with an eagerness that was almost sick. I had to pull the blade out first. The light shone off the cold metal.

I smiled.

I pulled the pills out afterwards. I rested the blade on my knee before popping open the lid. My hands were shaking. I pulled out twelve pills and held them up to the light that creeped through the window.

But as I placed the first pill on my tongue, I had to stifle a sob. This is so fucking pathetic; it was hard to even comprehend.

 _No._ I thought to myself furiously. I couldn't go on like this. I won't. I stabbed the knife into the wooden floor beside me and spilled out the rest of the pills, all my previous hesitation forgotten.

I took one at a time, labelling each with a reason of why I wanted to do this, why I _needed_ to do this. It made it easier. I finished quickly and awaited the effects. Nothing. I waited a little longer… Nothing. I decided to cut while I waited.

They came on the moment I attempted to press the blade to my wrist. My hand was already shaking. My hands began to shake more, shaking uncontrollably and light, thick strands of hair began to stick to my face. I dropped the knife to the floor, causing a loud clank as it made impact.

So, this was it, huh? I was finally dying. A huge weight felt like it was lifting, floating off my chest. But something wasn't right. Wasn't dying meant to be peaceful? Why does it hurt so much? It never mentioned this in any of the books.

As my vision grew even hazier, I heard banging coming from the left. Was this apart of dying? I turned my head to see the door shaking and my eyes, once heavy lidded, widened. I saw a single figure in the doorway before the world went black.

* * *

I blinked my eyes open slowly. They felt heavy and my vision and memory was hazy. My head hurt. My sight went from black, to a tinted red, then to a semi-normal grey colour as I shifted to look around the room.

White. That was the first thing that came to mind. Only when I smelt that awful antiseptic smell did I realise where I was.

I turned my head to see my parents sat with their heads in their hands, almost as if they cared. I raised a brow before laying my head back down, prepared to pretend to be asleep to avoid the false commotion that was sure to come. Guess Mama must have found me. If my dad had there was no way I'd be alive right now. This is the situation I didn't plan for.

"Ah, you're awake."

I mentally cursed the woman I found stood in the doorway. She was leant casually against the doorframe with her arms crossed. Her glasses reflected the light from the window, so her eyes were unseen, giving her a very intimidating atmosphere. A nurse walked around the woman and began to check my vitals while I glared at anything but the people in the room.

"Maka?"

This was that stupid woman's fault. My folks stood to kneel at the side of my bed, their eyes wide and bloodshot. Mama's looked somewhat genuine, but anyone could easily make out the annoyance in dad's eyes. But he hid it so well. Could fool anyone.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Papa hissed as he grasped my arm roughly. I watched Mama open her mouth to object, but it shut promptly. Guess me nearly dying didn't make her grow a backbone. I sighed and just met his eyes levelly.

"I apologise for the inconvenience." I drawled; my voice heavy with sarcasm. Papa's eyes flashed with something scary.

Well, I'd never done that before. I had to fight the urge to avert my eyes as a small lace a fear swept through my stomach. Then chaos erupted.

It was loud, the nurse was asking me questions as she shone an irritating light in my eyes. My parents were arguing about who got to talk to me first and the woman in the doorway was scolding my parents for 'smothering' me.

Oh, please.

"Why am I here?"

The question made everyone's jaws snap shut. All eyes turned to me, wide with shock. I raised my eyebrows expectantly.

"Well?"

"Maka," Mama began slowly, her eyes narrowed. "What do you me-"

"Why am I still alive?"

This was obviously what they wanted. They wanted me to say it, so I did. My parents gasped and looked at each other, even the nurse took a sharp intake of breath. The only person who kept her wits was the woman in the doorway. She turned to glare at those in the room.

"May I ask you all to leave? I'd like a moment with Maka."

My parents and the nurse did so without discussion. Mama even tried to squeeze my hand, but I pulled mine away and looked at her almost disdainfully.

"Don't." I said quietly. Mama stifled a cry and walked out quickly. Papa followed steadily, not even sparing me a second glace. That stung a little. Though it was no more than I expected. The woman in the doorway finally stepped in and shut the door behind her. Only then did I notice the clipboard in her hand and the pen tucked behind her ear and I had to desperately resist the urge to roll my eyes. Just what I needed. A councillor.

"My name is Azusa," She said as she made her way to a chair, though her attention was solely on me.

"Now, Maka," Azusa began, sitting in the seat my Mama was previously sat in. "Wanna tell me why you tried to kill yourself?"

I had to raise my eyebrows. That was quick. Usually they work up to trying to get such an answer and try and gain trust and all that shit. But this woman just went straight for her goal. I shook away my thoughts.

"… I didn't." I replied in a guarded voice. Azusa sighed at my response and took off her glasses to rub her eyes.

"So, you're one of them ones, huh?"

"One of what ones?"

"The ones who deny everything. The ones who act too tough to tumble. The ones who think they're so strong that they can deal with everything on their own. Admirable, but stupid."

I blinked at the doctor. How did she get all of that just by my two-word response? But I was stubborn. I squared my shoulders and tilted my chin up as I cast my eyes away to glare out the window.

"I am strong enough to deal with this on my own," I insisted. Azusa scoffed and my eyes swung back to her.

"Well, I don't know how to put this," Azusa began, her voice thick with sarcasm. "But in my experience, I find that attempting to kill yourself is not the correct way to deal with things."

"I didn't try to kill myself."

"You took twelve sleeping pills in the space of a minute, it would seem." Azusa said precisely.

"…I didn't feel very well." I offered lamely; my voice clipped.

"You could have died." She shot back. I huffed and turned to glare back out the window.

"Coulda-woulda-shoulda…" I muttered. Azusa was quiet for a while before she finally shifted.

"Hm." Azusa jotted something down on the clipboard, then she placed her glasses back on her face before she looked up at me again.

"Okay, I think I know what you need." She stated. She fiddled through some papers before pulling out a leaflet and offering it to me. I didn't take it.

"I don't need anything. I'm fine." I repeated calmly.

Azusa dropped her arm and faced me with a very hard expression that made me feel… little. Young. I squirmed under her gaze but did attempt to meet it head on, though I imagined I looked quite small in comparison.

"Maka," she began in a very precise voice. "I've been speaking with you for less than five minutes and I already have multiple possible-diagnoses. You are not fine."

I narrowed my eyes.

"What?"

"Mhmm," Azusa nodded. "I'm thinking a personality disorder, but I'm also detecting some psychosis, but I'm not too sure on that one yet. But Maka, they aren't even what I'm worried about and they're both very bad illnesses to have, especially at your age. Especially this severe."

"What is it that you're worried about then?"

"You have been diagnosed with severe depression. And that is not a possibility but a certainty. You're going to Abraham Falls, and that's final."

* * *

I stared at the leaflet in my hand, labelled: _Abraham Falls Mental Institution for the Troubled._ I sighed in exasperation for the umpteenth before looking out the car door window. It was this stupid institution that we were headed to.

The fact that I was going there was decided without me, of course. It was decided before I'd even woken up. As usual, the grown-ups make all the big, life-altering decisions. I didn't even get a say in the matter.

I unwillingly heaved another sigh, unaware that we were currently pulling into the Institution's grounds.

"Maka," my Dad spoke, his voice unusually clear and stern. Huh, he mustn't have drunk anything today. "I want you to behave in there, okay? It's bad enough we're even allowing you to go to this place. Do you have any idea how this makes us look?"

"Well, I'm ever so sorry my misery causes such troubles for you." I muttered. I was moving out, so who cares?

"Now, shut up with that, alright?" Papa snapped and Mama jumped. "I'm getting sick of this fucking back chat. Just because you're running off to some loony bin doesn't mean you can talk shit to me. Remember where you're coming back to, alright?"

I noticed Mama squirm, but I knew she wouldn't stick up for me. She wouldn't even hear the threat in his last sentence. I nodded silently, feeling almost happy when the institutions sign came into view and I could gain some distance from my ever-cold Papa.

I opened the door before the car had even stopped moving when we arrived, ignoring my Papa's warnings and muttered comments as I made my way up the large, wide steps.

The building looked a lot like a hospital, minis all the automatic doors and that awful smell. I slowed down so that my parents could stop at my sides. I fell back automatically as they made their way to the reception.

"Oh, hello!" A cheery voice sounded before we had even got to the desk. I turned to see a blonde-haired woman making her way towards us through two double doors that seemed to lead into the hospital. She was pretty, minus the black eye patch that seemed so out of place on a woman as pretty as her. "I'm Marie. Is this the new recruit?"

"Oh, hi," Mama said, shaking the woman's hand. "I'm Kami and this is my husband-"

"Spirit." Papa took a step forward to shake the woman's hand, shooting my Mama a warning glance before turning back towards Marie. "We're here for Maka."

"Ah, Maka!" the woman clapped her hands together as her eyes landed on me, she grinned. "Well, you look just about ready, if you want to see your roo-"

"Yes," I said, unable to mask the desperation in my voice. The blonde woman smiled again before turning to my parents.

"If you want to say your goodbyes, I can take Maka to get settled while you finish the paperwork. Is that alright?"

"That's fine," Spirit said dismissively. I coughed to hide a scoff. My Papa's eyes snapped towards me and my heart sunk when they narrowed.

"Can I just say goodbye to her alone please?"

He didn't wait for a response as he dragged me a little away from Mama and the doctor. He placed his hands on my shoulders before he pulled me into a hug.

"Remember what I said okay," he muttered, and all air left my lungs. "I don't want any more shit. And I won't forget the way you've been speaking to me. Is that acceptable, girl?"

Any cockiness I had in me dried up as I shook my head, frozen with fear. Papa sighed and rubbed my back. I'm sure to anyone it would simply look like a heart-broken Papa saying goodbye to his daughter.

"And you know better than to mention anything silly in a place like this right?" he carried on in that sickeningly sweet voice. "You don't want to get daddy in trouble now, do you?"

I shook my head.

"Good girl," he murmured, his voice made bile rise in my throat. He pulled away and patted my shoulder before guiding me back to Mama. My legs felt stiff with horror.

I hoped I'd never go home.

Mama hugged me softly, though I didn't return it, and murmured her goodbye in my hair. My heart clenched. Oh, how I wished it was genuine. The feeling shattered as my Dad planted a soft kiss on my forehead, his voice strained but false as he muttered his goodbye.

"Now, you get better soon so you can come back to us, you hear?" he said in a strange voice. He backed away to wrap his arm around Mama's waist who rested her head on his shoulder, nodding in agreement. I stared at the scene. It looks real. But then my Papa's eyes darkened as Marie's back turned and his arm dropped from his wife's waist. I took a step back.

I didn't even offer them a second glance. I gave my Papa one last look of fury before turning on my heels and retreating.

* * *

I ended up in Marie's office. It was quite homely for an office. All the tension oozed from my body now I was a safe distance away from my Papa. I sat on a comfy armchair in front of the large wooden desk and twiddled my thumbs. Marie watched this and wrote something down. I frowned and pulled my hands apart, Marie jotted something down again. Well, this is gonna be fucking infuriating.

"So, Maka," Marie began, her voice already coated in sympathy. "I heard your story from Azusa and it just about broke my heart. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I said immediately, and met Marie's eyes with my own blankly, hoping to give nothing away. "There's nothing to talk about."

Marie's eyes clouded with sorrow.

"Maka, I know you haven't been able to talk to someone recently but that's different now. There are people here who will understand you, know what you're going through and some who have gone through worse. You're on the same road, Maka. If you want to get better, we need to talk."

"No, _they_ need to talk to get better. _I_ need to be left alone."

"No one can recover on their own, not even someone like you."

"Someone like me?"

"You've been enduring this for a while now, haven't you?" Marie asked softly as she looked to the papers on her lap. I shuffled in discomfort. "From your diagnosis I can see this is a long-term thing. Want to tell me about that?"

"Will it make you leave me alone?"

"Yes."

I rolled my eyes at her lie.

"Fine, I tried to off myself because there was nothing left. It wasn't getting better. I had nothing to look forward to and nothing made me happy. Hell, I have yet to understand what happy feels like! But I can't be helped because this is who I am. I was brought up in such a negative environment that it seeped into me and made me who I am right now. And, you can't change that no matter how much you want to."

I was breathless by the time I finished. Marie only folded her arms over the clipboard to lean forward as she analysed me blatantly. The doctor then narrowed her eyes before she jotted something down and leant toward me once more. I huffed.

"Maka, everyone in their life feels like there's no point at some point. You just had more reason to believe it. But you can get better if you cooperate."

"You don't think I've already thought about that?" I asked in exasperation. "Because, I did. I tried to think in every single way how things could get better, but I came up blank. My parents are the problem and they will never change, and I'm stuck with them till I turn eighteen. I'm not willing to wait another two years. I can't last that long."

Marie shook her head and placed her notebook down. This made me feel a bit more at ease. When she wrote stuff down, I felt like I was being studied. I didn't like that.

"There are ways you wouldn't understand that could improve your mental health. Things that we can offer here." Marie told me softly.

I sighed and Marie leaned forward to pat my shoulder. I stiffened under the pressure. Marie noticed and let go.

"We will do everything in our power to make you happy, Maka," she said in a firm voice. I looked up in surprise.

"To make me happy?" I asked with a humorous laugh. "Not healthy? I thought you all thought I was sick."

Marie nodded slowly before drawing her hands away.

"You are sick, Maka. You're mentally sick and you suffer physical wounds that were self-inflicted." I winced. We're gonna do this now?

"You hurt yourself too, Maka?"

"It helps me," I said through gritted teeth.

"Maka, it couldn't help you." Marie said in a sad voice. "It never did. You may think it did, but it didn't."

"It did," I snapped.

"How?" Marie asked suddenly. I leant back into my seat as I tried to form my feelings into words.

"I was hurting all the time," I said slowly before pointing at my head. "In here. My head always hurt, and it made me feel even worse. When I cut, the pain was separated. The physical pain distracted me from the mental pain. I could finally make sense of it, think clearly. And the mental pain was always so much worse. I could think straight. It was such a relief. But it only lasted for the time I was cut."

Marie nodded slowly, but her eyes were still strained. She looked uncomfortable.

"I can see some sense in that," she allowed. "But that doesn't make it right. There are healthier ways to get your thoughts and feelings in order."

"Like what?"

"Hobbies, friends, interests…"

"Don't have any."

Marie smiled and shook her head. "Now that's not true. You like to read."

"…Yeah. Yeah, reading's nice."

"We have a library here." Marie chuckled as my eye's widened. "We'll work on the hobby and friends front, but for now if you're overwhelmed, no matter where you are, just go to the library and read till your heart's content."

I hesitated before I nodded slowly. Marie clapped her hands together.

"Okay. I need to work on your schedule so how about I take you to get settled in your room?"

I nodded.

"Okay."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when you were young, you thought you'd never die.
> 
> found out you could but too scared to try.
> 
> looked into the mirror and said goodbye,
> 
> climbed to the roof to see if you could fly.

My room was about a five-minute walk from Marie's office. The door was a plain, blank white but Marie said that I would be given some paints and could paint it, claiming it may make me feel more at home. I scrunched my nose up. _Yeah, I wanted nothing than to feel more 'at home'._

I took the time walking there to assess the other doors lined up on the row. Marie had informed me that me and these patients are all sharing a ward, and that I'd see a lot of them.

There was a baby pink one, the names "Liz Thompson" and "Patty Thompson" were written in graffiti style writing. Next to that was another blank white door, but this one had "Death the Kid" written perfectly in the centre.

I shrugged before eyeing the one in front of it. It was an electric yellow colour with the name "Blackstar" written frantically in the centre. Beside that one was a cream coloured door with beautiful flowers decorating the corners, the name "Tsubaki Nakatsukasa" printed in perfect cursive at the top left. What a pretty name.

I turned to look at the door opposite mine. It was a flat black colour but had these distorted patterns circling around the perimeter, they grew more frantic and scarier as they made their way to the centre, where the name "Soul Eater" was printed in blood red, gothic writing. It was very well done and artistic, it must have taken a long, long time to complete. I'd seen some weird names on the doors but this "Soul Eater" won by a mile.

"So, any ideas on what you want to paint your door like?" Marie asked, her voice snapped me away from my thoughts. I dragged my gaze away from the door to eye Marie with a miffed expression.

"What?"

"Your door. How are you going to paint it?" I didn't even supress my scoff.

"I'm not painting my door. Thanks anyway."

"You're not? Most patients enjoy doing it!"

"Guess I'm not like most patients." Marie's gaze lingered on me for a second longer. I thought she was going to say something else before she moved to pull the door open.

"Alright. You get settled and I'll send someone to come get you before dinner. Be ready by twelve, okay?"

I just hummed in response before I made my way in room. I didn't turn as Marie walked away and just kept my eyes on my room.

It wasn't that big, but it was nice. The single bed looked comfortable enough. The wardrobe had no door and it looked like the hangers were attached to the pole. From what I could see there was no bathroom, but I had no complaints, other than the large mirror on the wall beside the window.

I tapped it and huffed. Strong. I probably couldn't break it with anything in here. I was a little surprised I even had a mirror. I had read about metal hospitals and they all sounded so… cold. Strict. But this one seemed so tame and light. Maybe they did this for their age group.

I glared at my reflection and scowled at the unfamiliar but familiar girl before me. She was tiny. Only about five foot three or four I would guess, not that I ever bothered to measure myself. I had ash blonde, flowing locks, that tumbled gracefully over my shoulders and swayed beside my waist in soft waves. My eyes were weird, my stupid Dad even used to say so. They were too big for my face, and my eyelashes were so dark and thick they made the green look unnatural. Too bright. Almost as luminous as a cat. I shuddered.

I had a small, proud nose and a defined jaw. My cheekbones were too high and my lips too full, and I hated my small, pixie ears so much I always hid them under my thick hair. I shook my head jerkily, whipping my face away from the mirror and set towards my bags.

I'd nearly packed everything away before I heard a light tap on the door. I contemplated ignoring it before it sounded again. It sounded a little sheepish. I pulled the door open to see a girl who looked around about my own age. She had unusually long hair that must fall behind her knees when let loose from the high ponytail it was currently in. She had a nice figure, I noted with a frown. Her curves were modest, and her eyes were kind but anxious.

Her eyes shocked me. Not the colour, but they were so… kind. Welcoming.

"Hello," she said in a feminine voice. "I was asked to bring you to dinner."

"Ah," I rubbed my neck awkwardly. "U-uh, thanks. I'm coming now."

The girl smiled and stood back so I could step out. She extended a shaking hand out toward me.

"I-I'm Tsubaki, nice to meet you."

"Oh, I'm Maka, good to meet you too." We shook hands and I could feel relief rippling from Tsubaki in waves. She led me down the school like hallway with an upbeat pace.

"So, Maka? That's an unusual name." Tsubaki said in a small, shockingly shy voice as she walked beside me. I looked at her incredulously. If you're that shy, surely the last thing you want to do is make conversation with a stranger in a crazy house.

"Yeah," I said slowly. We walked in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments before Tsubaki's small voice sounded again, much to my disbelief. And annoyance.

"So," she squeaked. I sighed. "Any reason your parents named you that? I bet it's an interesting story."

I hid another sigh, resisting the urge to just tell the girl to back off.

"My Papa always wanted a son," I started. "There was some kind of problem with the ultrasound when they were finding out my gender, they said I was going to be a boy. My Dad was thrilled. So, you can imagine my dad's shock, and anger, when I popped out with no…" I trailed off and shook my head, feeling uncomfortable under Tsubaki's gaze.

"He planned on calling me Makael." I continued in a tight voice. "When I was born, he still wanted to. My mum had to seriously fight for me to be called just Maka. I'm happy she did."

Tsubaki laughed lightly, making my head snap towards her. She was giggling at me.

"I bet you were," she chuckled. "Makael doesn't really suit you. Not at all. But Maka does, it's pretty."

I just stared at her but eventually had to chuckle. Tsubaki sighed happily as she walked more confidently at my side.

"You can sit beside me and my friends at dinner if you'd like," Tsubaki told me with a smile, I frowned again.

"Your friends?"

"Yep! Don't worry, they're all very nice. Eccentric, yeah but they're all some of the best people you'll ever meet."

I raised my brows. She spoke pretty highly of crazy people. Must be crazy herself.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked bluntly. I'll admit I had expected her to be hurt or offended, but Tsubaki's eyes just softened as she stared down the hall we walked.

"You're curious, huh?" She muttered, smiling weakly. "I remember my first day here, some of the people's conditions were so obvious but some… I didn't know why they were here. I was always too scared to ask but guess you're not."

I didn't respond. Tsubaki smiled again.

"I have severe anxiety. Well, had. I'm much, much better now but I could still use a little practice. I should be allowed out when I can be trusted not to have a panic attack or mental breakdown in public. My friends all have problems too. Obviously." She laughed.

"What are your friend's names?" I asked. The people on the doors?

"Oh, they're Blackstar, Liz, Patty and Kid. They're all very nice, and all on our ward. You may have to get used to Blackstar - He can be very loud, but all in all they're all fairly easy to get along with."

I noticed she had spoken of all the patients in their ward except one.

"What about Soul Eater or something?"

Tsubaki's head jerked towards me. "Soul Evans?"

"I saw his door."

"Oh, well yeah, Soul's our friend. He gets on well with Blackstar and Kid but he's very private. No one knows why he's in here for or how long he has been. He can get a little scary if you pry, so I'll warn you now not to if you do see him."

"What do you mean _if_ I see him?"

"Well, Soul doesn't really stick to his schedule." Tsubaki explained, confusion plain in her voice, and I was quite sure I could detect some frustration. "I'm not even sure if he has one! If he wants to come to a game, or group session then he will, but it seems that he doesn't have to because if he doesn't want to, he won't."

I hummed. I casted my eyes back to the floor beneath my feet. I'd never even met the boy and I was already intrigued. Odd.

"Anyway, we're here."

I looked up to see, again, a school like dining area. It took about three minutes to walk to from our rooms, the hospital was much bigger than I thought. I hesitated before entering but Tsubaki soon drawn me in. She even got some of that god-awful food they were serving. It seemed these kids go crazy over soggy spaghetti or something.

I ended up walking beside Tsubaki to a circular table with three people sat there. There were two girls, I assumed they were Liz and Patty.

One was humming childishly and poking her food with the wrong side of her fork. She had short, bouncy blonde hair and wide, child-like blue eyes. Her sister had long, darker blonde hair that framed her face beautifully. Her eyes were a stormy blue but were narrowed as she eyed the room observantly, snapping her head around when a noise went off in the other direction. Sat in between the two was a boy with peculiar black hair with three white stripes running horizontally across the left side. He was picking at his food, looking as if he was arranging it.

"Guys," Tsubaki said brightly as she sat down with her tray and gestured to me. "This is Maka!"

The pretty one with suspicious eyes looked to me with a harsh gaze. When she saw Tsubaki's shine on the me, her eyes softened, and she looked more like a teenage girl.

"Hey there, Maka." She drawled, smirking and shook my hand over the table. "I'm Liz. Welcome to the nuthouse."

A smirk tugged at my lips and I nodded in return.

"Maka, Maka, Maka," the younger, blonde-haired girl (Who I assumed was Patty) clapped, making me raise a brow.

"Now, now Patricia, what have we said?" the boy said, not even looking over his shoulder at the girl as scolded her lightly. She stopped mid-word to huff and slump back in her seat before responding.

"Remain calm and relaxed when meeting new people so I don't scare the new patients," she droned as if she had heard it a million times before. The boy smiled and looked away from his food to pat her head.

"That's right," he turned to smile at me. "Nice to meet you Maka. I'm Death the Kid but you can just call me Kid."

I nodded and offered a weary smile. What else would I call him?

The five jumped in unison as crazed boy jumped onto the chair beside Tsubaki, not even breathing heavily that he jumped an unnecessary five feet just to land on a chair.

"Well now, has everyone missed your favour-" He began, but was stopped short as I automatically threw someone's plastic, and certainly not heavy enough, plate at him.

"You're far too loud." I muttered and the loud one glared at me in disbelief.

It was silent before a gruff laugh sounded from behind me. The sound sent tingles down my spine and I looked behind me to meet a pair of amused, deep red eyes.

"Someone shut Blackstar up," he drawled but my eyes were planted on his. They turned up in amusement, and he started chuckling again. "You must be an interestin' one."

I seriously had to stop my jaw from falling open. This boy… Well, man, was truly good looking. Gorgeous even. He had deep, crimson bedroom eyes the colour of fine wine. They bore into my own, though his were tilted up upwards in amusement.

He had a mass stark white hair that hung over his eyes - He didn't appear to have styled it at all, but it looked good. He stood tall, at least a foot taller than me even with his slouch. And his voice. It rumbled deep in his chest and nearly made my bones shake. I was pretty sure I could detect a slight British undertone, as if he was some kind of sloppy aristocrat. But it was sexy in a kind of dangerous way. I was intrigued by him. More so than I had ever been of any male before…

But I wasn't going to let him know that.

I narrowed my eyes before turning around and muttered under my breath: "Fuck off."

Those on the table gasped at my response to Soul, my look of disinterest and I guess, disrespect. Even Soul himself seemed like he was a little surprised but, from what I could tell, he was better at hiding that. I'd bet people were intimidated by his dark, almost dangerous looking appearance. No way in hell did these guys usually talk to him like that. It was thrilling.

I expected him to blow up by the way he was looking at me. It was an expression of disbelief, mixed with anger... But he didn't.

Soul just let out a good-natured laugh before he sat beside Blackstar. He slapped his back before conversation erupted from the table again. Tsubaki and Liz pounced on me alarmingly.

"Maka!" Liz gasped in a hushed tone and leant forward as if the boys wouldn't hear them if she did. I blinked.

"What?"

"No one speaks to Soul like that!" Tsubaki said in the same hushed tone. I frowned.

"That's what you call speaking to someone?" I murmured but sighed as Liz and Tsubaki's eyes didn't waver and stayed intent on me.

"Well, why not?" I asked finally.

Liz and Tsubaki shared a look before Liz piped up.

"I don't know." She admitted. "He just doesn't let them, I guess. Last guy who tried to talk back to him ended up in the medical ward and Soul was in isolation for six days."

Liz laughed nervously. I chuckled without humour and folded my arms.

"If he tried to hit me, I'd kick his ass," I muttered, making Liz and Tsubaki shush me when the boys looked over to us.

"Whose ass is Maka kicking? I want in," Blackstar all but yelled, leaning towards them. I couldn't help the twist in my stomach as the boy spoke of me as if I was one of them. I'd been here, what? Five minutes?

"No one!" Tsubaki and Liz said in sync, making the guys look to each other.

"Me, Blackstar," Soul laughed and all eyes turned to him. He looked at me and smirked. "She was talkin' about me."

I glared. "How would you know that?"

"I overheard."

"You eavesdropped." I accused angrily. I felt those on the table stiffen around me, but Soul only laughed.

"I guess, yeah." He laughed again and I narrowed my eyes at him in annoyance.

"Well, if I wanted to talk to you I would have. Maybe mind your own business."

"On matters that are about me? Unlikely." he drawled, picking at his food.

I didn't really have a response to that. I looked away but his grumbly laugh brought me back.

"That it? I expected more from someone who threw a plastic plate like a ninja star."

"Keep bothering me and I'll find something heavier I won't miss." I threatened through gritted teeth.

"Scary." He mocked.

I laughed dryly – What was the point of even continuing this conversation?

"What an asshole," I muttered making Soul's eyebrows rise. I stood up.

"I'm all done, I'm going back to my room," I told Tsubaki who was still looking at me in slight shock.

"Uh-yeah, okay. I'll jus-"

"That's quite alright, Tsubaki."

The seven turned to see Miss Marie making her way towards me, a slip of paper in her hand.

"Here's your schedule." She told me as she handed me the stiff piece of paper.  
***

 **7:00am:** Wake up call.

 **7:00 – 8:00am:** Shower (supervised)

 **8:00 – 9:00am:** Free time.

 **9:00 – 9:30am:** Breakfast.

 **9:30 – 10:30 am:** Arts and Crafts

 **10:30 am – 12:00 pm:** School (Supervised Free Time on weekends)

 **12:00 – 1:00 pm:** Dinner

 **1:00 – 2:00 pm:** Music

 **2:00 – 3:00 pm:** Group Therapy

 **3:00 – 5:00 pm:** School (Supervised Free Time on Weekends)

 **6:00 – 6:30 pm:** Supper.

 **6:30 – 7:30 pm:** Free Time.

 **7:30 – 8:00:** Group Therapy (Optional)

 **9:00 pm:** Back to rooms

 **10:00 pm:** Lights Out

**Personal Therapy Session: 3:30 pm**

(Sessions will be mixed up and changed every other week)  
***

I looked up to eye the woman uncertainly.

"Thanks," I said as she rubbed the back of my neck. "I was just heading back to my room, so-"

"Ah, ah, ah," she interrupted and held up a finger as I tried to leave. "Free time is at 3:00. For now, you have music."

Marie grinned as I made a face.

"Music?" I asked tentatively and Marie laughed along with Soul who I looked back to glare at.

"Yes. We find things like Music and Arts and Crafts gives patients a chance to be creative and imaginative, which we find helps a lot. You'll love it!" she said and clapped her hands in excitement. I laughed nervously without any humour.

"Alright, when do we go?" I asked just before a bell rang. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. It was just like a stupid school.

Marie laughed lightly. Why is everyone always laughing? Marie watched approvingly as patients started to take their trays back before looking to Tsubaki.

"Do you mind showing Maka the way, Tsubaki?"

"Of course!" Tsubaki said cheerfully while she stood and took both of our trays, despite my complaints. I frowned in confusion while I watched the girl walk away.

"She's a nice girl, huh?"

Soul was following my gaze as I watched Tsubaki walk away. I wrapped my arms around myself as unease flooded over me and just nodded.

"Yeah, she's nice," was all I said. Soul chuckled lowly.

"Don't talk much, huh?" he drawled, making me stiffen in annoyance. I turned on him irritably.

"Well, from what I hear neither do you," I said hotly. Soul just met my gaze with a blank look.

"Well, that's none of your business." He said. I didn't even flinch.

"Then the reason I don't is none of yours," I countered in frustration. I had the pleasure of seeing anger swell in his eyes at my tone.

"Jesus Christ, woman. I've known you for five fuckin' minutes and you're - You're so-" he began in exasperation.

"What?" I interrupted sharply and stepped forward, so our chests brushed. "So, what?"

We were in each other's faces at this point. Only the nervous laugh of Miss Marie made us drag our angry gazes from each other.

"Okay, you two," she said, and stepped forward to push them away from one and other. "Let's just cool down, shall we? Soul, head over to the music room while Maka waits for Tsubaki."

Some of the patients who had stopped to watch sighed with disappointment as Soul turned roughly to walk away. I just muttered under my breath before turning in the opposite direction. I don't think I've ever been angered more by someone I'd barely known. It was uncanny.

But it was official. Soul Evans annoyed me just as much as he intrigued me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.
> 
> a bird will fall, frozen dead from a bough,
> 
> without ever having felt sorry for itself.

I entered the music room beside an excited, bouncing Tsubaki. Though I felt very cryptic, I was also curious. The institution must have been well funded since all the instruments looked of good quality and condition. The one that caught my attention more than any other was the shiny black grand piano that stood proudly in the corner of the room.

I'd always been fascinated by pianos and if anyone bothered to ask, I'd say it was my favourite. Though I couldn't play it, nor any other instrument. I didn't mix well with music in general. I didn't do too well with anything that included emotion and music seemed to revolve around that.

"Ah, another rookie, huh?"

I turned my head to see a blond-haired man walking towards me with an annoying grin on his face. I frowned. These overly happy smiles are already getting old.

"Uh, I guess," I shook his hand reluctantly before pulling it away. Something he must have been used to as I noticed no falter in his sickeningly bright mood.

"My name is Joe Buttataki and I'm the music teacher," he told me.

"I'm Maka. Maka Albarn." I muttered in response and glanced around the classroom.

"I see!" he laughed as he turned away, which made my fists clench in anger. Why was he laughing? He either ignored my irritation or was too dumb to notice as he just grinned before gesturing to the room.

"So, any interest in music…?" he asked, looking over his shoulder to myself.

"No." I replied bluntly, before admitting: "I don't get it."

Joe turned and released a strained laugh that seemed to quiet everyone enough to make them listen to our conversation. I wrapped my arms around myself in uneasiness.

"What do you mean you don't get music?" a new voice asked before the teacher could say anything. I turned my head to see it was that fucking Soul Evans guy addressing me from one of the stools beside Blackstar. I did note that now his expression was not mocking. It was curious.

"I just don't really understand it," I replied honestly, but in a clipped tone. That excuse wasn't enough for the class of crazy people looking at me. I understood it, music was a way out for many depressed people. I heard it distracts some from the extent of insanity. I went on as people continued to look at me intently, obviously not satisfied with my answer. Especially Soul.

"I don't understand… the emotions." I tried to express. Soul frowned. "I've heard the deal about music, how the emotions in the songs move people, or whatever. Well, I don't get that. How can you put an emotion into a song? It doesn't make any sense."

I shrugged again and Soul raised his brows in surprise before leaning back in his chair.

"I understand," he said. I looked up in surprise.

"You do?" I droned since I didn't think he did. No one else was talking now, everyone's eyes seemed trained on Soul and me.

"Yeah," he shrugged. His eyes still held obvious dislike as he looked at me, but I could sense some interest in them. I shook the thought as he continued. "I guess it is kind of hard to explain. You don't see how emotions go into a song 'technically', huh?"

"Yeah - Exactly." I admitted. Couldn't have put it better myself.

Soul looked at me for another moment, a frown creasing his brows before shaking his head.

"You're just over-thinking it." He muttered gruffly, his eyes anywhere but on me. I could have shrugged. That works for me.

It wasn't that interesting. Joe was the one who mainly played the instruments, though if someone asked to have a go, he wouldn't say no. It was more about responding to the music and him asking them how it made them feel. But I wasn't about to fall for that nonsense. The music was a disguise. A disguise to make those who never voiced their problems, alone or in front of people, to then expose their fears out in the open, thinking all they were doing was talking about the stupid sounds a guitar made. It made sense. It was smart.

But I was smarter. I folded my arms defensively and leaned back in the seat. I was thrilled that I had revealed my thoughts on music at the beginning, for when Joe asked me how the music made me feel my simple: 'I don't know,' was very believable. No one saw through the façade.

"Okay class," Joe leant his guitar against the wall and faced the group. "Now we're going to go around the group and each say how the music made you feel. I really want an answer now, okay? Just wing it if you need to."

I sighed. _I wonder who that comment was aimed to._

"Maka?"

My head snapped up. I met Joe's eyes to find them looking expectantly at myself.

"Would you like to begin?" I stifled a sigh.

"I really don't know, sir." I droned, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. Joe shook his head.

"It's just Joe. Come on Maka, I really want you to dig deep, okay? Just tell us how you feel." I suddenly felt something snap inside of me.

"Pissed off." I replied. Joe nodded.

"Okay," he said slowly. "Who are you angry with?"

I had to resist the urge to reply with 'You' since I knew that might earn me a padded room I just shrugged and replied: "Everyone."

"Why?" he asked again, and this time I couldn't smother my groan of frustration.

"Because I don't like this." I felt horrible feelings stirring inside of me. I had to stay calm. I tried to carry on in a calm, but furious voice.

"I just want to be alone. I don't want to talk. I don't want to pick at some strings or press some stupid keys, I want to be left alone. Why doesn't anyone get that? Why can't you stupid, know-it-all-therapists see that this – being stuck in a room full of other people - is literally the last thing I need right now. All I need is a room where I can collect my thoughts and just think straight. And I certainly can't do it with you strumming away on your guitar and droning on about your bullshit feelings."

I took a large inhale but went on before Joe could interrupt.

"Now, may I be excused?" I asked. "Miss Marie said that if I felt I needed some space then the library is open to me."

Joe was at loss for words for a moment. "You will need an escort - " Soul stood up almost immediately.

"I've got it," he nodded at the teacher before grasping my upper arm and dragging me from the room.  
***

"Well, you figured that out quick," I shot glare at Soul.

"Shouldn't you be with the others?" I asked in a bored tone, not bothering to slow down.

"I said I'd escort you, so I am. Besides, I can do whatever I want." That was all he said as he walked ahead of me. Obviously not all too comfortable with walking by my side. Good. I wasn't too comfortable with that either. I wasn't too keen on him, or anyone, walking behind me either. That just freaked me out.

"I heard about that," I mused, making Soul look back at me curiously, if not a little warily. "You just do what you want, huh?"

"More or less."

"Why?"

Soul scoffed in disbelief.

"Didn't you hear what happened to the last kid that asked me that?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded.

"Yeah, you knocked the poor guy out, very impressive."

Soul cast me a dark look before turning his head again to look forward, grumbling a few things I couldn't quite catch. I huffed back but couldn't find it in myself to dig it out of him. I'd be pissed if someone asked me why she was here too.

"Whatever," I breathed before entering the library as the boy walked ahead.

The hour passed too quickly for me. The sound of chatter as the patients walked around the building reminded me eerily of school and I physically shuddered. I slammed my book shut before resting it on my lap to eye the large room once again.

The library was pretty impressive, just as the music room was. Books covered every wall and shelves were layered through the room. It was the perfect place. The only issue was the constant supervision. The forever blank faces that I couldn't help but think were judging me. I couldn't help but wander if I'd ever get a minute to myself again.

"Oi, whatever your name is. You spendin' all break in there?"

I sighed audibly as Soul's voice carried to where I sat, curled up on a couch.

"Yes," I muttered loudly before opening my book again.

"Okay," the boy sighed. "I'll tell Tsubaki you're here. It was her askin', not me."

I just grumbled and shooed him away. I didn't understand him at all. He may be one of the most infuriating people I'd ever met, but he seemed so sane. So normal and so I figured his secret was a big one. His prying annoyed and confused me - He was obviously a private guy and didn't interact much from what I heard. So why did he keep bothering me? Even if it was to just fight.

Social interaction was weird, and I didn't know how to do it, nor did I want to. All these people would be better off just leaving me alone.

Though unfortunately, I doubted they would.  
***

I lay in my new bed. It was odd, the lights going off at ten at night. I was so used to staying up until stupid hours. 4:00 am, 5:00 am, sometimes even earlier. And when I did fall asleep, I could never stay unconscious for very long.

 _Maybe I'm an insomniac too,_ I pondered idly as I looked up at the blank ceiling. I'd never given much thought about what diagnoses I could have. I never even thought I could possibly have any until being sent to a mental institution.

I closed my eyes as they welled up. I blinked my tears away furiously. This was for the best, and I knew it. I had absolutely no right to be unhappy. I was finally away from home, away from my parents, my school, my worries. Why was I mourning the things I had? My bumpy bed and firm pillows, the blade under my mattress and in my locker at school.

Oh, I thought suddenly. That's what I missed.

Freedom. No one caring about me meant I could do whatever I want. But here…

I released an almost silent shriek of frustration before slamming a pillow over my face. _No,_ I thought sternly, you will not miss that place. _Remember what they did to you, how it felt…_

I shoved my blankets off myself, de-tangling them from my legs and stumbling from the bed. I headed towards the door, pausing in front of it and slowly creaking it open. Before I could even peak my head out to look down the hall, and deep, rumbling, and utterly annoying voice interrupted me.

"Now, where do you think you're going?"

Soul was slouched on the floor in the hall, leaning on his door. He had a small pocket torch and some thick, old book I didn't recognise. I opened my door wider and eyed him incredulously.

"Nowhere," I snapped in a hushed voice. "What are you doing though? Won't you get in trouble?" Soul laughed gruffly and closed his book; he shone the light annoyingly in my eyes.

"No," he answered. "The staff trust me; I sit out here most nights and make sure patients stay in their rooms."

I scoffed.

"Why would you be trusted with something like that?" I asked. "Aren't you a patient like the rest of us?"

Soul's eyes turned hard.

"Of course, I am," he almost growled the words at me. "Now, just get back in your room. I'm busy."

I folded my arms over my chest, ignoring his command and instead closing my door behind me and slumping against it as he was his.

"What'cha reading?" I asked in an annoying voice. Soul cast me a dry look before pushing the book over towards me on the tiles.

"Family book," he said as I picked it up, it was worn and obviously very old. The cover was a plain worn leather, with the name 'Evans' neatly carved the old skin. "It's passed down through my family, and each of us add to it over the years…"

He trailed off, and turned his dark, haunted eyes away from me. I frowned at his form but returned my attention back to the book in my lap. I ran my fingers over the cold leather, before curling them around the edge of the cover to open it. Suddenly, a large hand slammed down on the cover, snapping it shut again.

"I didn't say you could see," Soul said as he pulled the book from my grasp. I swallowed my irritation and nodded at him sharply.

"Sorry. Should've asked, I guess."

Soul nodded in agreement. He stayed kneeled in front of me, his eyes cast down to the old book before him. Then, he abruptly cleared his throat and jumped up to his feet.

"So, you should really be in bed," he said gruffly, attempting an authoritative voice as he sat back down. I had to swallow back a laugh.

"So, should you," I retorted. But I stood anyway. I paused before pushing my door open.

"Hey, Soul?" I asked timidly, he didn't seem not notice.

"Mhmm?" he hummed, not looking up from the book. I swallowed my fear before saying my next words.

"I was just wondering," I began, Soul barked a laugh as he flicked over a page.

"Not a chance."

I frowned at him and turned to face him fully again.

"You don't even know what I was going to say," Soul laughed again.

"Yes, I do," he chuckled. "You were going to ask why I'm in here for."

I froze. I felt blood rush to my face and had to stifle a groan of annoyance.

"Well no," I lied. "I was actually going to ask what Soul was short for."

Soul's eyebrows shot up.

"How do you know that it's short for anything?" he shot back, dodging my question. I shrugged.

"I don't know. It just sounds... I don't know - Incomplete."

Soul eyed me before sighing and closing the book softly.

"My full name is Solomon Malachi Evans," Soul admitted reluctantly. "Cruel, right? My parents were really into uncommon, old names. I hated it, so I had them just call me Soul. Took a while. It got to the point I literally just wouldn't answer whatever they said to me if they called me Solomon. I'd only answer to Soul."

I listened intently and waited a few moments before responding. "I like Soul much better."

Soul's head shot up.

"Well, you're the first. Why?"

"I don't know. The things it can mean, I guess. Soul in Greek is Psychí, which means immortal soul - Or pure soul. There's something honest about it. It's nice. Much nicer than Maka." I shook my head in distaste.

"What's wrong with Maka?" I gave him a long look.

"Everything," I retorted. "It's barely even a name! It's literally just some weird sound my mother made up just so my Dad couldn't call me guy's name." I finished with a huff, my chin falling into my palms as I slumped back onto the floor. It was silent for a few minutes before either of us spoke again.

"I like it."

I looked up at him abruptly, finding him to be staring right back at me.

 _He really is quite handsome - In a devilish, cocky kind of way,_ I thought absently, before blinking the thought away. Handsome didn't even cover it.

He was gorgeous. Breath-taking. Something about his sad, dark eyes made him so hard to look away from. They looked far too wise, too old to belong to a seventeen-year-old boy. I realised with a start that I'd never truly seen him smile. He was always stern, distant or angry. He was somewhat amused every now and then... but never happy.

"I'd bet you'd look nice if you smiled," I said aloud, not meaning to. I expected him to get angry at my comment but he only chuckled.

"Shut up. Honestly though, Maka is a nice name. It's unique. And it has some nice connotations too." I had to laugh.

"Yeah? Like what?"

Soul was quiet for a moment before finally answering.

"Maka mean's earth. It's not just a sound. The name alone can make you feel more grounded. It's cool."

I recoiled. I certainly hadn't been expecting that.

"Oh... Thank you."

Soul just shook his head, his expression neutral once more.

"Don't mention it. Now seriously, you really need to get back to bed. Staff do patrol sometimes and they let me off the hook, but I can't say the same for you."

"And why is that?"

Soul just laughed.

"Not a chance. Bed. Now."

I sighed at his bossiness but did as I was told, giving him a swift nod before closing my door lightly behind me.

I was in a better mood as I climbed into my new bed for the second time that night. My bed. That was nice. This was my bed, my room. I felt more positive about the soft, plump pillows and thick, comfortable bed sheet. The yellow light from the lamp posts on the hospitals grounds that flooded into my room no longer bothered me so much. I felt less suffocated. Less buried in the darkness.

I felt less alone.

Maybe it was a good idea to come here. Now I finally had the chance to make friends, act like a normal teenager and recover from these horrible illnesses, even though I had no idea I had them in the first place. This was surely all a good thing. A really good thing.

Yes, I thought. Why shouldn't I be happy? I was away from him. Them. My sad, neglectful parents.

But with that thought, that horribly familiar haze smothered me as if one of these soft, plump pillows were pressed over my face. And I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. All I could do was stare into the cold, blue abyss that was my mind, and think only of how I wanted to be back home.

Even though I hated that place so very much. Even though the thought of seeing my Mama or Papa (especially my Papa) made bile rise in my throat, I couldn't shake the feeling. It was so easy not to care when no one cared about you. You were free of guilt, love and anything related to the sort. I was free.

But not here. Here people cared about you. People didn't look the other way if you seemed extra sad, or extra pale one day. It was so much harder to not care when I knew hurting myself could hurt others.

And right now, all I wanted was to pull my cold blade from under my mattress and feel that sharp bliss upon my wrist.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're all in the same game;
> 
> just different levels.
> 
> dealing with the same hell;
> 
> just different devils.

_"If I have to hear this, one more time - !"_

_I heard another slap and my Mama cried. I hid under my bed. Mummy and Daddy always fought like this. It is okay. It will be over soon._

_"Maka is a child, Spirit!" My Mama's voice was breathless and pained. It was like she was breaking. "I don't need my baby walking in on her father being an absolute slut! What will she think of us when she's older? Do you ever think of that?"_

_I heard my Papa snort drunkenly._

_"Oh yeah Kam, like we really need to be worrying about that right now. She's five years old, you idiot. She doesn't even know her ABC's."_

_I listened as my Mama released a short laugh as disbelief, her voice was laced with sarcasm as she responded._

_"She's seven, you drunken fool! You don't even know you're own daughter's - Spirit, don't!"_

_I whimpered as my Mama's voice grew louder and louder with each word, I pressed my small hands over my ears. I heard more angry remarks before a door slammed. Then the sound of heavy, unsteady footsteps outside of my room made me nervous._

_"Maka? You in there? You're not hiding are you, baby?"_

_My Dad stumbled into the room and I shuffled out from under the bed. I didn't want to see his reaction to finding me hiding. I knew it wouldn't be good._

_"Ah, there's my pumpkin!" He wrapped unsteady arms around me and pressed his lips to my cheek. His breath smelled bitter and icky, I scrunched up her nose._

_"You don't hate Daddy, do you?" he slurred. "I don't make you sad or scared, right? You love Daddy." Feebly, I agreed as he picked me up._

_Papa stroked my hair with heavy hands. That must've been too much for his alcohol filled brain since he suddenly dropped me._

_"Ouch!"_

_I heard a crack as I landed unevenly, causing my wrist to bend oddly under my small body. Tears began to prick in my eyes as my wrist pulsed with a pain that made its way all the way up my arm._

_"Oh, for fucks sake!" Dad bellowed as he stepped over my form. He knocked me back to the ground when I tried to stand._

_"I did fuck all, so don't go crying to your damn Mother!" Daddy snapped at me, his voice still unsteady. I didn't go crying to my Mama. I knew Mama had already stormed from the house after her and Daddy's argument. It always confused me how most of her Mama's frustrations with Daddy is that he is always too drunk to take care of their daughter._

_And yet, after these arguments, she always left me alone with him. And most of the time, he was so drunk he became careless enough to start hurting me. Always accidental of course._

_For the time being._

_"You can stay in your room for the rest of the night," Papa went on, ignoring my pained whimpers._

_"B-but Daddy - my wrist is - "_

_"I didn't do anything!" Her Papa roared once more before slamming the door shut._

_It scared me. But that's not what scared me the most. What frightened me the most wasn't the pain. That hurt, but I was used to it. What scared me the most was that my Papa didn't care about hurting me - and I knew that one day in the future when my Papa hurt me again,_

_It will not be by accident._

I woke to the sound of screaming.

Not just any screaming. It was pure, blood curdling cries of absolute terror but in an unmistakably masculine voice. I had only known the voice for a few days but I knew exactly who it was. Without a doubt.

It was Soul.

I didn't even think about it. I jumped out of my bed and ran for the door, shaking off my own nightmare. Usually once I broke free of my own nightmares I'd spend the rest of the night awake. But I was so shocked with this distraction the terror didn't come.

I didn't knock when I reached Soul's door. None of the patient's doors had any locks on them and there was no way to lock them from the inside either so I could enter easily. There were staff in the hallway, probably to make sure no one was sneaking around, but they were too slow to stop me. If they even tried that is.

I swung open his door to see his room was pretty much identical to my own, except his bed was next to the window. Soul was thrashing violently as he lay on his bed. I paused in shock as I took in the scene before taking my way forward cautiously. His cries didn't grow any quieter.

His screaming only intensified when I rested a hand on his damp forehead and shushed him. I fell to my knees beside the bed. Soul's breathing quickened in fear of my presence it seemed and he started to lash out. He caught my shoulder with his fist but I caught it before it could make contact again and pinned it to his side. I awkwardly stroked him damp hair from his face and his screams eventually decreased to whimpers. He clutched my hand so tight it ached when he started to become aware of his surroundings. Wherever he was in his mind, it definitely wasn't with me.

"Maka?" he groaned groggily, I chuckled breathlessly before nodding. He opened his eyes half way. I expected a half ass comment or an insult.

But instead Soul only groaned and buried his face in his pillow.

"Make them go away," he grunted into the cushion. I frowned and pushed him so he could breathe.

"Make who go away, Soul?" I asked quietly as I leaned in, trying to hide the stiffness in my posture. He didn't seem to notice my awkwardness, but I couldn't decide if that was good or bad. I was here to be helped, not help others. I ignored my selfish thoughts and continued to comfort the boy as he muttered nonsense before lapsing back into sleep.

I was unaware of the growing crowd of our ward that was forming in the doorway of Soul's room. I felt slightly disappointed as Soul fell back to sleep before answering my question. But relief swept over me more than anything else. I guess I knew from experience that when having a nightmare, it is unlikely that you will have another once you awake. Soul could sleep in peace.

I took a deep breath before standing. I winced as I drew my hand up to cradle it into my chest. That would be bruised by morning.

I turned to make my way back to my room. I froze when I came face to face with the group that consisted of the five others I had dined with at dinner and Miss Marie.

"Maka," Marie began in a sympathetic voice. I cringed and help my hand up to stop her.

"It's fine. I heard him louder since his room is right near mine and I couldn't sleep because of the racket. That was all." I tried to dismiss the subject but six pairs of eyes continued to gawk at me, preventing me from going to bed.

"Well, it's not just that," Blackstar said, stretching his arms over his head. I raised a brow. "Soul has night terrors at least every other night. Almost every night some times. The only way to really snap him out of it is:"

Blackstar held up two fingers before counting off the first one. "Sedate him before he hurts anyone," Blackstar counted off the other finger and curled his hand into a fist. "Or wait it out. Don't enter the room until the screaming stops."

"We don't really go as far as medication unless the screaming gets too much," Marie added. "But sometimes the sound would distress the other patients and so… We need to think of them as well." she trailed off, looking to me.

"But you calmed him down with anything," Tsubaki said quietly, her long hair falling over her shoulder as she smiled softly at me.

"Anyone else who tried to do that never left without an injury, but you…" she trailed off as Marie did.

I raised her brows as I waited for them all to finish their damn sentences. They didn't. "So what? I'm on Soul duty now."

The five patients chuckled and scoffed but Marie immediately shooed them away to escort me back to bed.

"Okay everyone, back to your rooms," Marie said in a firmer voice. She looked over to the ever-silent staff members leant up against the wall.

"Can I trust you to see that these children go straight back into their correct rooms?" The tallest guard nodded sharply and immediately set towards the patients as Marie whisked me away.

Here we go.

"Maka, you are not on Soul duty," Marie chided and she picked up my covers from the ground and gestured to the bed for me to get in without making it. I frowned but followed the silent command. Although, I seriously could not hide my surprise when Marie threw the cover over me and then tucked it around myself.

"I may not seem like it but with my job, I can read character perfectly. I know exactly what my patients need from their diagnoses, but I can find some pretty great treatments just by learning about their personality. I am aware you tried to hide yourself from me all day since you know that. You're a very bright girl." Marie sighed as she sat on my bed at my side, she shrugged her shoulders before smiling.

"But it didn't work. I know exactly who you are and what you need and I'll do everything in my power to make you happy and healthy again. And from what I just saw, you gain the best pleasure from helping others." I made a face and Marie laughed softly.

"The pride on your face anyone could have seen. Doing that made you feel proud, didn't it?"

Marie tapped my nose affectionately before I could tell her how wrong she was. It was such a motherly gesture it made my stomach clench.

"You get better from helping others. And so, this place is perfect for you, since not only will you be getting help yourself, you'll be helping others too."

I'm sure she meant well. When I looked at her I saw nothing but someone who wanted to help me. It was sickening. I gave her a dry smile.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

Marie chuckled.

"Get some sleep," she ordered. "You medicine will be given to you at 8:00 AM sharp."

"Medicine?" I called but Marie had already left. I sighed before letting my head rest back onto the pillow. Soul's screams, so like my own, seeped from my memory like a bad dream.

***

I groaned in annoyance into my pillow as someone banged relentlessly on my door. I released loud squeak of frustration as my threw my covers off myself and stormed to the door, rubbing the back of my bed mussed head. I swung the door open angrily, my eyes still squinted from not being awake properly.

"What the hel-"

I was cut short as a hand was thrust towards me, carrying medicine bag. I looked at the bag in confusion before looking up at the person who was offering it. My eyes, that were still very heavy with sleep, narrowed as I took in the form at my door.

It was some man. He had silver hair and scars decorating ever visible bit of skin on his body. Some kind of contraption that looked sneakily like a screw stuck out from the side of his head. He had a cigarette hanging loosely between his teeth. I had to look down on him since he was sat on a rolling, office kind of chair the wrong way, which was odd since he was wearing some kind of lab coat.

He shook the bag in his hand which drew my attention back to that. I frowned before looking back to the man.

"Why are you pointing them at me?"

"They're for you." The man rumbled.

"I don't need any medicine."

The man barked a laugh.

"All evidence to the contrary. Look, I just whip up the stuff and deliver. So, be a good little patient and take your medicine, okay?"

I scoffed before crossing my arms.

"I don't want to. This is annoying."

The man laughed again and raised his hands, palm up as if in surrender.

"Don't shoot the deliverer."

I narrowed my eyes as I took in his form again. They wouldn't just send anyone to hand out the medicine. And everything about him screamed evil genius.

"You're the one who prescribes them, right? That's you."

He paused and tilted his head at me. He looked impressed.

"You're quick. Look, these are what you _need._ You're not a stupid girl, I see. You wanna get out of here?"

I nodded slowly and the man offered the medicine bag once more.

"Then you need to take your medicine when you're told or you never will. You don't get any points for defiance."

I fought a smile. I liked this man. He was smart. He started shaking the bag when I didn't reply.

"Will you take them already? My arms getting tired." I rolled my eyes and took the bag.

"I'll take them later," I told him but the man laughed a shook his head.

"Nope," was all he said before pulling out a clear bottle of water, offering to me. "This is a requirement. Some patients store the medicine or throw it away if it isn't taken right I front of us. I need to be sure you take them."

I grumbled before taking the tablets from the bag and placing them in my hand. There were four of them, all different shapes and colours. Figures, I did have about four diagnoses. _Hah._ I smiled at my internal joke.

I placed them all in my mouth at once and feigned swallowing them. I even stuck out my tongue out to prove it. The man's eyes narrowed and he sighed.

"You know how I said you were a smart girl?" he drawled, offering the bottle of water again. "I take it back."

I scowled before pushing the tablets out from under my tongue and washed the tablets down with the water. Cheap shot.

"How did you know?" I asked as I wiped my mouth clean of any water.

"I've been doing this job for a long time, kid. I know the difference between the look of saliva going down someone's throat and a handful of tablets."

I gave him a dark look before folding my arms.

"Good one. Can I get changed now?"

"Yeah, I have more deliveries to make. I'll see you again at 1:00 pm. For you, you get your medicine every six hours. So, I'll be here at 7:00 am, I'll find you at 1:00 pm before group or whatever it is you have and then come to my office at 7:00 pm during free time because I may not be able to find you. Got it?"

"Yeah, where is your office?" I asked.

"Just ask one of the kids, I'm too busy to give you directions right now."

"No need to be so rude. Who the hell are you anyway?"

The man smiled creepily.

"Stein. I'll see you at one, don't forget." He waved over his shoulder as he sauntered out of the ward. I shook my head before re-entering my room.

"Figures that even the employees are insane here…" I muttered as I dressed. According my schedule, there was an optional shower time right now. I had seen the showers and it seems I'd have to shower with the other girls.

I physically winced. Not only would I have to stand naked with a bunch of other girls but they'd see my scars. I gagged audibly before I sat on my bed.

"No, thank you," I muttered to myself before wrapping my arms around myself. I was pulled from my thoughts as someone knocked on my door. Again. Two people and it wasn't even eight in the morning? It just wasn't my day.

"Come in," I said in an exasperated voice and the door opened to expose Soul standing in the doorway with an unreadable expression.

Well, this was interesting. I'd expected to be avoided due to last night's events.

"…Need something?" I asked to break the silence.

Soul sighed at me before he rubbed the back of his neck and made his way into the room, leaving the door open. Patients had to do that if they entered another patient's room.

"No, I wanted to talk to you about something," he said as he stopped in front on my position sat on the bed. I raised my brows expectantly. I sighed for what must have been the umpteenth time when he didn't continue.

"If it's about last night then I won't do it again," I said, which made Soul look down at me. "I was tired and didn't really know what was going on. I get that it was kinda an invasion of your privacy so - I'm sorry."

Soul laughed gruffly and shook his head. "No, no… I was going to ask that you do that every time I have a terror."

Oh. Oh, wow. Well I did not expect that. "Wait, what?"

"You heard me. They either leave me to it or drug me to shut me up. Now the drugs help at the time but afterwards the de- Afterwards I get a killer headache. And if they leave me to it…" he shuddered visibly, I narrowed my eyes. Soul looked like he was going to say something else when his eyes landed on my shoulder. His eyes narrowed.

"Oh…"

I frowned before looking at my own shoulder. My jacket had fell slightly to expose a purple-ish bruise that was obviously developing om my shoulder. It was nasty looking but it didn't hurt, I hadn't even noticed. I'd certainly had worse.

"Oh." I said softly, and poked it. Soul heaved a sigh and dragged a hand over his face. I looked up to see him nod to himself.

"Did I do that?" he asked in a stained voice. I tilted my head. Who else would it have been?

"Yes, but it was partially my fault," I admitted. "I did kind of barge in. I would've whacked anyone who did that so I should've known better. It's fine, it doesn't hurt."

Soul went quiet and his expression made me feel something that I hadn't felt in a long time - Not even when I tried to kill myself, which I supposed could have hurt my parent's feelings a little now that I think about it. Why I was feeling it now was beyond me.

I felt guilty.

Soul just looked so... sad. And angry. He had obviously hurt people before; I'd been told about that last night. But it obviously hurt him that he did that. He thought he had done better, and now he was finding out that he was wrong. I suppose that could be upsetting.

"Hey," I stood up to stand in front of him. "Hey, look at me."

He lifted his chin to meet my eyes. He looked disappointed.

"I'm not mad," I said, slowly and precisely. "I helped, didn't I? I just had to take that tiny hit to calm you down and I did. Did you have another nightmare after that?"

Soul shook his head and shrugged.

"I don't think so. I don't remember. I thought it was all a shitty dream if I'm honest. It's just kinda fucked up that I can't stop it, yanno? Like I have no control of my own… mind."

He trailed off, it was obvious he was getting frustrated. So I sighed and did something I don't recall ever having done to anyone.

I hugged him.

I felt him stiffen in my arms. I rolled my eyes at my own idiotic ministrations. What the fuck was I doing? He was making me feel like shit, and I just had to make him stop making me feel this way. I didn't think he was going to hug back and that was fine. I patted his back awkwardly before trying to pull away.

Before I could, Soul's own arms slowly wrapped around my torso. I felt a wave of discomfort as well as a strange surge of excitement in my stomach. Butterflies? Jeez. I guess it wasn't horribly unpleasant. And judging how stiff Soul was in my arms, I assumed that this was new to him also. It was oddly reassuring that he was as confused as I might be.

I shook away these thoughts and cleared my throat. His arms dropped as mine did and we took a step back in sync. His eyes were cautious but I could see some surprise lingering. Pleasure coursed through me.

"So, yeah. Don't feel guilty anymore, kay? There's no issue." I said and he barked a laugh and buried his hands in his pockets and relaxing into his regular slouch.

"M'kay, I get it." He said gruffly, nodding again.

"And... I'll help. If I hear you having a nightmare, I'll try and do whatever I did last night."

Soul blinked again and then scrunched up his face. "It's not fair. I shouldn't have asked, you need sleep and - "

"I wasn't asleep," I lied. I'm not fighting him on a matter he fucking brought up. "It's not a problem."

Soul said nothing, before he could I nodded and took a step towards him.

"It's about eight, right?" I said as I began to walk out of the room. Soul followed automatically. "I'm starved."

"You eat a lot for someone so small," he commented dryly from a few steps behind me. I whipped around to shove him.

"Oi!"

"You don't say that to a girl," I hissed, trying to mask the humour in my voice. "Especially one who's stuck in a mental hospital! What if I was in here for an eating disorder or something?"

"You look as if that might be the case." He responded. I huffed and stormed ahead of him, secretly cheerful at the fact I just had a semi-normal, friend like conversation for the first time in my life.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret.
> 
> it's you or me, amplified.
> 
> if you ever told a lie, and enjoyed it.
> 
> if you ever wished you could be a child, forever.
> 
> have you ever confused a dream with reality?
> 
> or stolen something when you didn't have the cash?
> 
> have you ever been blue?
> 
> or thought your train was moving when it was sitting still?

I trudged off miserably to Arts and Crafts. Soul had wandered off somewhere and I hadn't asked whether or not he was going to attend or not since that would indicate that I cared. Which I didn't. The last thing I needed was people getting the wrong idea about myself and Soul Evans.

I sighed again and wrapped my arms around my torso, holding myself together. Something I felt like I had to do when I was feeling blue, which I felt very, very suddenly. I never knew when it would hit me, which only made it more annoying and painful when it did.

I hadn't noticed any difference in my episodes since taking them pills Stein had handed me, so I assumed I'd have to wait for any effects. I had only Been taking them for a few days.

I gritted my teeth before rounding a corner of the very school like halls to press my back to a wall as the other patients continued to walk past. I pulled up the left sleeve of my jacket and looked at the angry scars that marked my wrist. I pressed my thumb to the veins under the skin of my wrist and hissed.

I simply had to cut. I _needed_ it. It – It hurt not the do it. It felt like the blood in the veins of my wrist has Been replaced with crushed glass that ground together when I pressed it. This wasn't a good pain. This was the pain that signifies what I want. What I _need._

But I wasn't stupid, and neither was this damn institute. I knew I wouldn't find any unattended scissors, pencil sharpeners or razors just lying around for me to snatch. I knew this and it pissed me off. But there was one thing that the daft institute forget. I lifted my fingers before my eyes to inspect my nails. I had always taken good care of my nails for this reason. If I'd ever forgot my blade to school or anywhere else, these would be nearly as effective.

The halls had grown quiet and I knew that if I didn't get this over with my absence would be noticed quickly. I was still new kid after all, so they would be careful.

I bit my bottom lip before I pressed my thumb nail over the skin just below the inside of my elbow where I could more easily hide the wound. I let it sting for a while before I finally jerked my hand down and sighed as the nail broke the skin and drew blood.

I let it rest for a while before dragging it horizontally, making a perfect yet deep slit just below my inner elbow.

It was bliss. Absolute bliss. Blood dotted from the wound before dripping down my arm. But I didn't stop there. My jacket was a dark black so the blood wouldn't show when I pulled the sleeve down, so I risked two more slits in my overly marked skin.

I started to hear voices when I got halfway through my fourth wound and pulled my sleeve down. The arm looked fine, but my hand didn't. Blood coated my thumb and my hand, so I quickly thrust my hands into my pockets as Tsubaki and Kid rounded the corner I sat.

"Maka," Tsubaki breathed as she scurried to my side and searched my eyes. I felt a wave of guilt as soon as I considered the kind girl's eyes. The girl who was completely oblivious as to what I had just done. I then looked over to Kid who eyed me cautiously. Guess he wasn't as dense as Tsubaki then.

"What were you doing?" he asked in a guarded voice, as he turned and led the two to the Arts and Crafts room. He looked over his shoulder to me, obviously expecting an answer. I decided it was safe to walk beside Tsubaki, but I had yet to make that decision about Kid.

"I just got a little overwhelmed, I guess," I said in a small yet firm voice and shrugged, my hands still buried deeply in my pockets. My hands clenched into fists within the pockets as Kid continued to inspect me before finally accepting my answer and offering me a smile.

"You had us worried there, Maka," he told me as he opened the door to the Art room. "We thought you'd ran off."

Before I could respond I was met by another teacher who grinned happily at me. He wore a weird black robe and I could hear music pulsing from his earphones, but he didn't take them out.

"Hello there, Maka!" he yelled happily. I released a strained laugh. "My name is Justin and I'm going to be your Arts and Crafts teacher!"

I offered a meek smile through the pain but froze as he held a hand out to me.

"Nice to meet you," he said, and I nodded in return and looked up to Tsubaki. I tried to look scared or something. It's not like I could just say: _"Oh, I would shake your hand, but you see, I was feeling a little down and resolved that clawing at my own skin would do me the world of good. Now my right hand is blood stained and it would be rather difficult to shake your own hand with my left, right? Sorry!"_

"U-um…" Tsubaki's eyes flooded with concern and she wrapped an arm around my shoulders as she offered Justin an apologetic smile. I stiffened at the contact and had to fight the urge to shake her arm off me.

"Maka was late since she felt a little overwhelmed." She explained and Justin's own eyes narrowed with worry as they landed on me.

My stomach clenched with guilt. Why did I keep feeling guilty? I never had before! Why do all these people have to care so much about every little thing?

"You do look a little pale," he told me anxiously. "Did you sleep enough last night?"

I laughed dryly. "Define enough."

Justin shook his head and whispered something to Tsubaki before smiling kindly at me.

"You go back to your room and sleep, okay? I'll send a councillor in there to check on you later, just leave the door open. Sound good?"

I smiled gratefully and suppressed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, but you already sent Tsubaki out once to come find me. I'll be fine walking on my own."

"Oh, but I don't think that I can allow that. You see, I can't let a new pupil to just wander around the hospital on their own."

I swallowed a scoff. Pupil? I was just another one of their patients. Thankfully, a voice interrupted my musings.

"It's fine, Justin."

The three turned to see Soul stood in the doorway, his eyes hard on myself.

"I'll walk her back and find Marie. You guys enjoy the session."

Without another word, Soul stepped forward and grabbed my wrist and led me swiftly away from the room.

"Hey," I grumbled when we were out of hearing-range, pulling my wrist free of his grip. "What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me?" he snared, still walking ahead of me, towards my room.

I stopped in front of the door and eyed Soul warily. He was being weird, but I didn't have time to figure out why. I already felt that familiar burning in my arm and I just got a free pass to claw at myself as much as I wanted. He just needed to go away.

"Okay, well, thanks," I said awkwardly. Soul just sneered and opened my door for me, letting himself in.

"Um, are you trying to piss me off today!?" I asked in disbelief and reeled in after him. Soul just shook his head and slammed my door behind me. I blinked. He wasn't allowed to do that.

I turned my eyes up to his expression. There was anger and worry. What's he so worried about?

"Soul," I said slowly. I backed away from him, farther into my room as apprehension began gnawing in my stomach. Did he...? No. He couldn't have.

"What's wrong?"

Soul didn't answer. All he did was step forward, so he stood before me. With a blank expression, he pulled my left arm towards him and jerked my sleeve up to expose my arm.

The rough fabric on my jacket pulled at the angry wounds on my arm but I didn't flinch, my eyes remained constantly trained on Soul. I held my arm out for him to see as I fought the tears that welled in my eyes, but I tried to keep my face blank. I should have known. I had known Soul only a few days and yet he still could read me so well it terrified me. I should have been more careful.

Soul looked at the wounds with an expressionless face, his grip on my wrist tightened until it throbbed but it never weakened, even when I tried to break free from his hold. The broken glass that replaced my blood ground together and I gritted my teeth. I needed to cut so badly it hurt. I had to convince him that I had a momentary lapse. That I was over it and he could leave me to myself…

I knew the idea was hopeless the moment it popped in my mind.

"Maka," Soul said in a dangerously low voice, drawing his other hand up to hover over the wounds before he dropped his hand back down. His grip remained firm. "Are you stupid?"

I laughed, the sound was unpleasant and nasty.

"No, Soul, I'm crazy."

I pulled my arm away roughly when my comment distracted him. I made a move to jerk my sleeve back down, but Soul held his hand out to stop me.

"No, don't. We need to clean it," he said as he made his way towards the door. I followed incredulously, making Soul stop at the door to face me.

"Clean it?" I said in a weary voice and Soul rolled his eyes, but his jaw was taut.

"Yeah. Trust me, infection sucks."

"Ah, I see, and you would know this how?" I asked, my voice thick with sarcasm as he went to turn the doorknob.

Hearing my words his hand on the handle froze and his shoulders visibly stiffened. He offered me no reply before he jerked the door open and flew out, muttering a quiet: "Stay here," before slamming the door shut again.

I bit my lip as the door closed, the ache still present in my wrist. Would Soul check my other arm? He surely wouldn't check my thighs; I could cut there so easily! I hesitated a moment longer, I didn't know how far away he was going to get what he needed to clean my wounds. It could take seconds.

_Or it could take minutes._

Ah, a few minutes would be so perfect it made me sigh out loud. Unable to resist the urge, I sat down on my bed and pulled my skirt up to expose the top of my thigh. The skin was already deformed with many scars, what would a couple more do? I took a deep breath before pressing my still red-stained thumb nail over the skin and pressed down, relishing in the feeling of the nail digging into my flesh and burying itself there.

Just as the feeling got blissful, I was ready to draw the nail horizontally to make my perfect slit. I took a deep breath before doing so, bracing myself for the pain.

That was until I was tackled onto the bed.

Once my eyes stopped rattling in my skull, I finally noticed the questionable weight pressing against my torso. I blinked open my eyes before they snapped open.

"Wha- Soul!?"

Soul was splayed over me, his fists clenched over my wrists at either side of my head, keeping his weight from fully pressing on me though his chest still pressed against mine. His face was inches away from my own and his sharp teeth were bared as he sneered.

"Seriously, Maka? The moment I leave the room?" he growled, his grip tightening on my wrists. I squirmed and Soul snarled again.

"Soul, you don't understand," I cried, no longer able mask my desperation. "I _need_ it, Soul. I can't cope without it."

"I don't understand?" he asked in disbelief, pushing himself off me and stumbling back a few steps away from me. I sat up breathlessly on the bed to meet his eyes. He ran a hand over his face and looked down on me.

"Maka," he began slowly, and very precisely. " I understand. Much more than you know. But you don't understand how dangerous cutting at a place like here is. I've seen it. You think the shit we deal with now is bad? There's this one kid, Chrona who _couldn't_ stop cutting. The staff couldn't control him, and they tried everything. Cut his nails, put him in a fucking padded room. He started to bite at his own skin and tear himself open-"

Soul winced at the memory, watching approvingly as my eyes grew wider. This is what he wanted, I realised. He wanted to scare me.

And it was working.

"I haven't seen Chrona ever since," he finished, and I blinked.

"How long ago was that?" I whispered and Soul chuckled.

"I can't tell you that without telling you how long I've been here, and I don't think you want to know."

I frowned and stood; I made my way forward till I stood before him. I tilted my head as I tried to read his expression.

"I want to know how long it's been since that – that kid was locked up," I said honestly, though I was curious as to how long Soul had been here also.

Soul growled in annoyance and picked up the medical supplies he dropped when he tackled me and sat me back down onto the bed. He cleaned and dressed the wounds before clipping my nails, making me growl before he finally returned to the previous conversation.

"If I tell you, will you _promise_ to stop cutting here?" he checked, and I bit my lip. Many people had made me promises they didn't keep and that hurt me. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Therefore, reluctantly, I clenched my fists and nodded.

"I promise." I whispered sadly and Soul nodded.

"The thing with Chrona…" he began, rubbing his neck awkwardly. "That was about two and half years ago."

My eyed widened. Not only had it been so long since that boy was ever seen again, yet he was still here, but Soul had been here for more than two years?

"You've been in here for nearly three years?" I asked in disbelief. Soul sighed again.

"Not exactly," he said wearily, and I recoiled.

"How much longer?"

"Ugh…" he groaned, hanging his head back. "I don't really want to-"

_"Soul."_

"Alright, alright! Jeez." He raised his arms up in surrender before dropping them. He looked down at me with an exasperated sigh.

"I've been stuck here since I was ten, so… seven years, I guess." He shrugged.

"Seven years!?" I spluttered and Soul glared at me.

"They won't release anyone till they're fully _recovered_ and can be trusted out in the real world independently and I'm far from that even now." He replied hotly.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. I knew what Soul had done to people who pried in his life… But I gotten so much out of him due to his worry for me, probably more than anyone else had ever gotten. So why not push it?

"Soul…" I began and Soul held up a finger and backed away from me, his eyes growing cold.

"I know what you're going to ask, Maka," he said in an incensed voice. "And I'm not talking about it. So, don't even try."

"Soul, why do you think you've been stuck here for so long?" I asked suddenly, my patience with him running out. "Because you don't _talk about things._ The first thing I was told when I came here was that defiance gets you no points. Someone should have told you that! If you don't convince them that you're alright, then you'll never get out of here."

Soul glared at me. He was really getting angry now.

"Then what do you suggest I do then, Maka? I don't trust anyone enough here to talk to."

I tilted my chin up to look up at the older boy. "You trusted me with how long you stayed here. Have you ever told any of the other patients here?"

Soul scoffed. "No. But I don't trust you. I don't trust anyone."

"Same here," I sneered as I took a step towards him and allowed a small smile as he fell a step back.

"But as much as I hate it, I do have a conscience... kind of. And I know exactly what will help you and you just _don't_ see it. It so frustrating! So, like it or not, I'm going to help you."

Soul took a dangerous step closer to me. "You're in no position to talk about this shit, Maka. So, don't fucking try."

I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"What, you think I'm the only one who screams in my sleep? But no, you don't scream, Maka. You talk."

"How on earth would you know that?" I asked, my voice taut.

"I have to stay in the corridor some nights, make sure patients don't wander around," he buried his hands in his pockets and tilted his head. "But sometimes I hear you muttering. Muttering about Daddy."

I felt my blood run cold. My expression must have said everything since Soul nodded.

"Yep. Just what I thought. You didn't know, huh? It's shit, I know. Knowing your dreams aren't your own. So, tell me Maka, do you tell Miss Marie about these dreams? These dreams where you beg and beg Daddy to stop?"

I couldn't even respond. Any words I could have formed were caught in my throat. I could only shake my head.

"Yeah. That's what I thought." He muttered in a quiet voice.

And then he left.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do the young poets write about Persephone?
> 
> maybe it's because we can relate to to a goddess,
> 
> to being half sunshine
> 
> and half grave.

I stood there for a while, my breaths coming in short, little gasps as I tried to comprehend what had just happened. So, okay. No, this is fine. When I have my nightmares, I speak. From the sounds of it I say pretty much whatever it is I'm saying in the dream…

My stomach clenched.

This can't be happening. Soul _heard_ me? The thought that he was just outside my door as I whimpered, and cried… It was nauseating. And he just threw it in my face, clearly trying to hurt me.

Well, that was it. I couldn't face Soul anymore.

I had been alone in my room pretty much all day. I would have been completely alone if it wasn't for that constant guard outside my door. Apparently, there had been some kind of commotion on the adult's floor that needed extra hands, and so lessons were cancelled, and all patients had to go straight back to their rooms after breakfast and lunch. So, what did I do? I read.

Multiple books were strewn carelessly across my bed, all of which I had finished over the last couple of days. I hadn't seen Soul ever since our little discussion, which was a few days ago now. So, I read, and now I had finished all the books. And so _now,_ I was bored. I groaned again and thought about asking the guard if I could go see Marie, who I knew was only outside in the hall since she was on duty.

I had been avoiding Marie, which was something much easier said than done. I was aware that Marie obviously hadn't had any time to speak to Justin recently, since at our private sessions, she hadn't mentioned anything. But I couldn't help but assume that if Marie knew about that incident, she'd have something to say about it.

I nearly smiled. I frustrated Miss Marie and I knew it. I knew how counsellors went about their jobs; I knew how they read people. I knew what they looked for if they thought someone was lying and so on. But Marie was _very_ good. She didn't give me any sort of inkling that I had fooled her. She simply nodded along with a blank face and scribbled down on her stupid clipboard.

I pulled my door open to see it was only Marie on duty today. Marie gave me a bright smile as I walked towards her.

"Oh, Maka! I was just on my way to see you; I've been wanting to speak with you about what happened with Justin, he's only just got around to telling me! I was surprised you didn't mention it in our sessions. What happened?"

I gave her a dry smile. So, I'd finally been told on. I let my eyes cloud with distress before hanging my head as if to hide my face. I think I was doing pretty well.

"I don't know," I muttered in an annoyed voice. I was smart enough to know that if I let Marie see me upset, she'd know I was lying. I had to fool her.

"It's no big deal, alright? I just got tired and overwhelmed and I felt much better once I had some sleep. Look, I just want to go read a while, okay? I was coming over to ask if I could leave my room."

Marie looked at me blankly as I held my breath, seeing how pointless my facade was. How could she fool a woman whose job it was to see through my lies? It was hopeless.

"If you say so, Maka," Marie sighed, giving nothing away much to my disappointment. "Off you go."

I was just about to leave when Tsubaki came from her room, her eyes widening when she saw me. I nearly closed my eyes in annoyance. I had been avoiding her too.

"Oh, Maka!" Tsubaki ran up to me and I felt my stomach clench with guilt. This girl was so nice it was alarming. "Are you feeling any better?"

"M'sure she's fine," a deep voice drawled just as I opened my mouth to reply. I near enough jumped a foot into the air as Soul's hand wrapped the crook of my elbow.

"Stop doing that!" I yelled as I pulled my arm from his grasp.

"Doing what?" he asked.

"Appearing from thin air!" I exclaimed and Soul just arched a brow. I glared at him.

"Whatever," he sighed and looked up. I followed his gaze and remembered that Tsubaki was still there and looking at the two of us in confusion.

"Like I said," Soul began again before I interrupted.

"Ignore him," I said curtly. "I'm fine."

Soul just looked firmly at me before squinting his eyes. He was still angry.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" he asked in a taut voice and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm busy," I said through clenched teeth and Soul scoffed before burying his hands in his pockets.

"Sure," he agreed sarcastically. He held my gaze before sighing in defeat, his shoulders slumped. "Why, where you heading?"

I folded her arms over my chest. "The library."

"I'll walk you there."

Now I scoffed and Soul sighed again, rubbing the back of his head.

"Come on, please? It'll literally take a second." He told me. I looked at him a moment before turning to Tsubaki.

"I'll find you later," I muttered and offered a feeble smile when Tsubaki nodded.

"Alright," the taller girl said nervously. "But don't fight, alright? Both of you, be nice."

I smiled more genuinely. "Of course. I'll see you around."

I turned slowly to face Soul again as Tsubaki finally walked away, any positive emotions fell from my face in an instant. Soul held his hands up in surrender.

"Hey," he warned. "No need to be angry. I just wanna talk."

I crossed my arms. "So, talk."

Soul glared at me. "Alone. Not where everyone can see us. They might overhear."

"Soul, the staff won't let any of us be alone together," I tried to reason but Soul just grinned walked away, not even looking back to check that I was following.

"Where are we going?" I asked from behind him, I still felt more comfortable walking few steps behind the elder boy. He turned back to smirk at me.

"Music room," was all he said. I frowned.

"Isn't the music room that way?" I asked in confusion, pointing my thumb over my shoulder as Soul chuckled and shook his head.

"Not that music room."

I stared in awe at the room that I was led into. The room was dim but huge. The floor was a polished and shiny checked crimson red and black, so clean that I could nearly make out my reflection in it. Blood red curtains covered the walls and made the room seem darker and more isolated. The ceiling seemed to be painted a flat black colour which gave the illusion with was just so high you couldn't see the ceiling at all.

There was a small stage at the end of the room, though it only stood about two inches from the ground. On that stage, a flawless, massive sleek black grand piano sat proudly, the lid stood open and therefore added to its glorious size. My mouth dropped open at the magnificent instrument.

Soul's quiet sigh brought me from my daze. I turned my head to find his face tense. He almost looked uncomfortable. My eyes narrowed at his expression.

"We won't get caught here," he told me abruptly and he buried his hands in his pockets and took a few steps away from me, spinning on his heels to face me once again. We stood a comfortable four feet away from each other, as we always did.

"They'll look for us," I began but the words caught in my throat as Soul shook his head and chuckled.

"The staff… they trust me more than the other patients, I guess," he admitted as he rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged. "I don't know, maybe 'cause I've been here longer or whatever. And I get perks due to who my parents are. That's why they let me do whatever I want."

I arched a brow at the sudden information. That was more than he'd ever told me before, and he gave it up willingly. I took a small step forward, not missing how Soul's eyes cast down to my feet before back up to my face as I did.

"Is that so?" I murmured before looking around the room again. "Well, what is this place?"

Soul grinned cockily. I had to ignore the jump in my stomach.

"This is my room, since I'm the only patient who has access and the staff leave me alone in here," he made his way up to the piano and ran a finger of the lid that covered the keys as he spoke. "Playing the piano was good for my recovery when I finally agreed to do it, and when I did, I didn't want any patients walking in on me. I definitely didn't want them to hear me. So, they gave me this room."

I looked at the man in shock, having to collect my thoughts.

"Wait, time out. You play the piano? Since when?" Soul chuckled again before he slumped down onto the piano bench and stared at the instrument.

"Ever since I could press a god damned key," he chuckled but I heard the strain in his voice. "That's not the point, though."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Then what is the point, Soul? Why did you bring me here?"

Soul huffed.

"I walked in on you doing something you didn't want anyone to see. As glad as I am that I was the one to find you it wasn't all that fair that I pushed my way in. And when I mentioned – About when you sleep…"

He trailed off as I visibly stiffened, my arms lifting up and wrapped around me. Soul watched and sighed.

"That wasn't cool." He grumbled, his eyes anywhere but on my face. "I shouldn't have said what I said. That was so fucked up."

I didn't say anything. It hurt too much to even try. Soul waited a moment before continuing.

"You deserve to know something private about me, then I can stop feeling so guilty and then maybe he wi-" He cut short, and this time I picked up on the words that he didn't want me to hear.

"He?" I asked and Soul winced. "Soul, who is he?"

Soul let his head hang so that his bangs fell over his eyes. I couldn't make out his expression. I almost didn't want to.

"I'm going to give you… a free pass," Soul said in a voice void of any emotion, but his face kept on scrunching up as if he was in pain. "You can ask me one thing about myself. One thing. And I will answer you honestly. I know you cut yourself and that you do it uncontrollably. And – the other thing. I'd be pissed if someone found something like that out about me, so it's only fair."

I looked at him in shock. Was this some kind of trick? The boy who hid from everyone and had the most secrets was giving me a chance to dig one up? The one question itched in my mind as I looked into his reluctant eyes. I tilted my head before taking a step forward.

"Why can't you leave this hospital, Soul Evans?"

I watched as Soul's eyes narrowed into slits at my question. He grimaced slightly and fell a step away from me.

"You just had to pick the hardest question, didn't you?" he muttered, his gaze casting down to the sleek checked floor beneath our feet.

I frowned. "How was that the hardest?"

"Cause in answerin' it I answer all the other questions you probably wanted to ask."

I raised my brows indifferently. "Guess I chose a good one then."

Soul winced again. I rolled my eyes before taking a step forward.

"You don't have to tell me everything that led up to you being here," I told him. "I just want to know what's wrong with you. Tsubaki has anxiety, Kid has OCD. Blackstar has some weird form of ADHD and a god complex. What do you have? You just seem so – so-"

"Normal?" Soul asked, offering a pained smirk. I nodded firmly.

"Yes," I said. "I cannot tell whatsoever what's wrong enough with you to end up at a place like this, and for so long. I'm sorry for being curious!"

Soul barked a laugh. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that curiosity killed the cat?"

I coughed to hide my scoff. " That appeals to me more than it scares me."

Soul frowned at me. I looked away and shook my head before meeting his eyes once more.

"So, you gonna tell me or not? I've got places to be."

I watched as Soul took a deep breath, his deep eyes constantly trained on my face. Like he was waiting for something.

"I was eleven when I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia."

My jaw hinged and unhinged in shock as I struggled to find anything to say in return. Out of the million things I could have imagined him to say, it was definitely not that.

"Wh – Wow. You have –" I had to force the words from my lips. I didn't know how to respond. Soul just continued to glare furiously at the floor.

"I don't really like to talk about it," he muttered, his voice almost moody. "That's one of the reasons I've been stuck here for so long. I can't talk to Sid or Justin or anyone. He won't _let me._ "

I jerked. "He?"

Soul stiffened and I took a very slow step forward.

"Soul, who is he?"

Soul sighed before closing his eyes. He kept wincing. It was so miniscule I thought I was imagining it. It was like he was trying to turn his head away from a noise that was too loud.

"He's in my head," he said gruffly before pointing at his temple. "Right here. I don't see things physically in front of me, but I can hear him louder than anyone. He's just so fuckin' _loud_. I can't see him in front of me, but I know exactly what he looks like."

I frowned. "What does he look like? What is he?"

"His name is Oni," Soul said quietly, he was frowning. It wasn't his usual frown. I saw beads of sweat starting to form on his forehead. Was it that hard to talk about?

"Oni," I repeated. "Like a demon?"

Soul shook his head.

"Yep. At first, he was just this... this pair of eyes that watch me. Now he looks more like a demon. But it's mainly his eyes I know. He watches everything I do. He seems so small sometimes, like this tiny little voice in my head, but he tells me to do things… horrible things." He cringed before continuing. "When I don't do some things, he gets mad. He doesn't seem so small then. He shouts in my head. Really, really loud. It _hurts._ "

Soul winced again and I narrowed my eyes. I stepped up onto the small stage to stand in front of him.

"He gets angry when you try and tell people," I said in realisation. Soul nodded and eventually pressed a finger to his temple. "That's why you never told anyone. He's hurting you right now."

Soul gritted his teeth and nodded again, I'm pretty sure he rolled his eyes. "Yes, he's hurting me now. He won't _shut up._ "

"Wh – What is he saying? Can you tell me?"

Soul looked at me in confusion before taking another ragged breath.

"He's saying… How – How dare I. He makes… He makes the calls, um," Soul trailed off. Curiosity and excitement were gnawing in my stomach. I could see he was in pain, but I just couldn't believe I was getting this out of him. I wanted to know more.

"What else?"

"Um… Why did you do that, Evans?" he said quietly, I had to stain to hear him. "Why, why, why, why, why – "

He gasped then. Wow, okay. He was hurting bad now. I took another tentative step forward to clutch his shoulder. It was lucky I had, as the moment I reached him he stumbled forwards.

"It's bad," he muttered. He was trying to be tough, not fall apart in front on me. I suddenly felt awful for pushing him so far. "He won't – _God._ "

All of a sudden, it was like Soul wasn't there. He slumped against the piano, his eyes blank and fathomless. A flash of panic swamped me as I bent down to shake his shoulders.

"Soul, Soul!"

"I don't know," Soul growled, but he certainly wasn't talking to. Shock froze me when I realised, he was talking to _him._ To the Oni. "I don't know, I don't know – "

Okay, this was bad. This was really, really bad. This wasn't a bit of anxiety, or depression. It was like Soul wasn't even here anymore. Tears stung in my eyes as I shook him. I nearly gave up to sprint down the hall and get a doctor.

Before I could even stand, Soul's eye's blinked open. He seemed to be present again but tired. He looked down in confusion at his slumped form, and quickly pulled from my grasp. I sighed with relief and stayed crouched in front of him.

"Maka?" he muttered, rubbing the back of his head.

"Yeah. God, you scared the shit out of me." I sighed, closing my eyes. "What do you usually do when you have an… episode like this? What can I do?"

He blinked at me.

"I usually sleep it off." he told me slowly. "But he's stopped, he's quiet now."

He seemed shocked by his own statement. He looked at me so closely I almost felt self-conscious.

I didn't dwell on it. Instead I sighed again and sat on the floor beside him, leaning on the piano at his side.

"What was he saying? You were saying you don't know. What was he asking you?" I asked quietly. Soul hesitated.

"…He was saying I shouldn't have told you. He was angry. He was asking me why I told you."

I was quiet for a while before I finally looked up at his face, my own scrunched up in confusion. "Why did you tell me?"

Soul's eyes automatically cast down to my wrist. Seeing where his eyes went, I immediately moved it out of his line of sight. Soul grunted, unsurprised.

"That's why," he told me. "I found out a secret about you that you weren't willing to give."

He stopped short. I watched as his face went from torn too tired as he turned to look at me once more.

"And – And I shouldn't have said what I said. You know. About your dream."

My blood ran just as cold as when he first said it. I heard him sigh.

"That wasn't fair. You were trying to help me and instead of being normal and asking you to maybe back off a bit, I used something really shitty against you. It was fucked up and uncalled for so that meant I owed you. I don't like owing people, so I gave you a chance to know something I didn't want anyone to know."

I narrowed my eyes up at him.

"Why would you feel like you owed me? Yeah, you acted like a dick for a minute about my dream, but I saw you in a similar state. And the – other thing. It was an accident that you saw what you saw. "

Soul shook his head before I had even finished talking. "You may not think of it that way now but soon… I just don't want to owe anyone, okay? Ever. You could have easily used that against me in the future and that's the last thing I want. It's the last thing I can risk."

I shook her head. "You really think I'd use something like that against you?"

Soul turned his head to look down on me, his face scrunched up.

"I don't think you would do anything like that right now." he said uncertainly. "But in the future, you never know. People change, Maka. This place could change you. Owing anyone is just not a risk I'm willing to take, no matter how much I trust them."

My brows shot up. "You trust me?"

Soul scoffed at me, his lips curling up into his usual half smile. "I wouldn't go that far. But I do more so than any other patients here, I guess."

I smiled at that and awkwardly patted the elder boy's shoulder. Soul chuckled gruffly and nudged me with his shoulder. I grinned.

"Same here. You're okay."

Soul laughed again and stood.

"C'mon. Let's go."

I nodded and dusted myself off as I stood. By the time I looked up Soul was making his way over to the other side of the room. At first, I thought he was going to just leave until he held the door open and waited.

"You comin'?"

I hummed.

"Yeah."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he's more myself than i am.
> 
> whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

Stein was banging on my door again.

After taking my pills I made my way back into my room as I rubbed the back of my head, trying to tame my wild locks that were tangled from sleep. I had been at the institution for a little over two months and I had grown accustomed to the timetable and the new group of people that I had no choice but to hang around with.

Soul's night terrors had been decreasing drastically due to my intervening late at night, people were so used to it that they didn't even get up when I did, they just knew I would take care of him. I nearly smiled. It was nice to feel trusted.

The relationship between Soul and I was definitely a fickle one. With us both having such severe mental illnesses it was true that we clashed a lot but that was also the reason I think we understood each other so well. We were both as stubborn as each other, which proved a problem and had often caused us to go over a week without speaking. We'd get over it usually. I think we're just both kinda new to the whole friend thing.

It never lasted though when we didn't speak. We always made up. But unfortunately, our banter had caught the attention of other patients. Especially since Soul had a reputation for not having ever taken anyone's shit. We were teased a lot by Blackstar and Patty but that was effectively quietened with Soul's glare.

I huffed loudly as I slumped back down onto my bed, I had yet to put my jacket on and so my eyes drifted down to the marks on my arm. The marks that Soul had witnessed me make. The sudden… attachment I had for Soul worried me, and I didn't doubt that it worried Soul also. We were kinda alike but so different at the same time. I didn't know whether I liked it or hated it.

"Maka?"

I lifted my head to see Soul himself in the doorway, his eyes narrowed as he had followed my previous gaze to the marks on my arm. I said nothing as I stood up and shrugged my jacket on. Soul watched me with a bored expression before his dark crimson orbs met mine again.

"Hey," I breathed, stepping towards him so we could make our way from the room. Soul didn't respond and proceeded to block the entrance, closing the door slowly behind him. I gave him a sharp looked and he grimaced. I frowned at him.

"What are you doing? Let's go."

Soul swallowed audibly. "My parents are coming today."

I recoiled.

"What? You're leaving the hospital?" I asked, my voice raising in pitch. Soul shook his head.

"No, no," he assured me before sighing. "No, they want to… take me out for the day. When you reach a certain level, you get to go on days out with your family and come back at the end of the day. I reached that level ages ago, but my parents never pulled anything like this till now."

"Levels…?" I trailed off.

"Most patients don't know but the staff mark the patients progress with levels," he rumbled, and I didn't have to ask how he knew this. "Level One is when you first got here. You're given some space to get used to the institution and shit but kept a close eye on. You were different since before you came here you had some Councillor of yours give specific ways in which for you to recover, so some of the rules for the levels don't really apply to you."

Soul shook his head when I opened my mouth.

"Sid is shitty at hiding files," he explained. "I've read every file of the people in our ward. There isn't much on you – It only said the notes of some councillor from a - hospital. All it said was that the levels are null in you case sometimes. "

I frowned before nodding. We'd come back to that later.

"Level Two is private sessions. That'd be when Miss Marie started taking you out of free time and Art and Crafts and all that. You moved up then." I nodded.

"Level Three is when you're allowed to join others of that level and above in outside games. You also get a later curfew and can sleep in for longer. Level Four is where I'm at, you can go out with your family for a day or weekend, go the movies, restaurant so long as a staff member is with you and you're back at a certain time."

I frowned. "It that all?"

Soul shook his head.

"No," he said. "Then there is Level Five. And that's when you finally get to go home."

I blinked before leaning away, frowning at the floor before looking back up to the older male.

"So, you're going out with your parents today?"

Soul scowled before shaking his head. "Like hell I am. I need you to cover for me."

Didn't expect that. "Wait, what?"

Soul scoffed before crossing his arms over his broad chest and leaning back to look down at me.

"Like I'm going anywhere with them, they're crazier than the people in here."

I just frowned in confusion before running a hand through my hair. "What are you going to do then?"

"I'll just hide from the staff. It'll be easy, I know this place better than any of them do. Only Sid knows about my piano room so once I see that he's checked that I can just hide out in there for the rest of the day, that'll most likely be the first place he'll check, too."

"Won't any of the other staff check there?"

"No, none of the others know about that room. This place was a school before it was a hospital and Sid went to it. He's the only one who knows about the room."

I rolled her eyes before turning my back to shut of the light before facing Soul again.

"I'm staying with you."

Soul's eyes widened before he hissed back at me. "Maka, don't start. That'll be way too suspicious - I'll get caught right away, you idiot."

"Fine, then I'll meet you in the piano room at dinner!" I countered hotly. "That way no one will find us, and you won't be all alone! Come on Soul, I need a break from these fucking group sessions and music classes. I need to chill."

Soul scorned at me before taking an abrupt step back when he realised, we were in each other's faces. He cast me a dark look before turning his back.

"If anyone asks you haven't seen me," he said sternly before swinging the door open. He paused a second.

"… I'll see you at twelve."

The door slammed shut as a slow smile crept across my face.

Hell yeah.

I couldn't help but smile to myself as I left my room to head over to the breakfast area with Tsubaki, aware that Soul would not be found in there, though I didn't mind. The thought of not having to go to any group sessions was so good I had trouble wiping the uncharacteristic smile from my face. It caught the attention of the long-haired girl beside me.

"You seem in a good mood today, Maka," Tsubaki said, a smile playing at her own lips when I looked up in surprise.

"I do? I don't know, I guess I just feel a little more positive today. Meds must finally be kicking in."

"I'm glad to hear that," Tsubaki laughed, covering her mouth as she did while we both entered the dining area.

I tried to act normally as I sat at the table and ate my cornflakes, idly listening to the chatter around me from the other patients and my friends. Well, the people I stuck by the most. The more I thought about it, the more shocked I was that Soul had actually agreed to let me come with him.

He was without a doubt intimidating, to anyone. Even me. Though the reason I was drawn to him now that I think about it is due to how he reacts to myself. He struggles to shy away from me and bite his tongue as to not expose all his dark secrets, even though I know full well he'd rather I didn't know. He's rather no one knew.

The fact that he cannot control himself around me excites me in a way it shouldn't, in a way that is foreign to me. I'd never liked a boy in my life, nor has one ever shown interest to me. Well, except this one guy when I was fourteen, though he abandoned me due to not wanting to be seen near the school's favourite bully victim.

He wasn't a nice boy, in personality or looks. So, for a boy who looks like he's stepped out of some dark modelling magazine to take at least some slight interest towards me is just bewildering. What would a boy like that see in a girl like me? It didn't make any sense.

Regardless of my wandering mind, I got through the next three hours with little difficultly. It was very easy to slip away at twelve since it was free time so my absence wouldn't be noted until the next session. I had memorised the way to get to the eerie piano room unconsciously, so I knew how to get there easily, though it was in a rather inconspicuous side of the building.

As I came to the two large, heavy doors, panic finally took me. What are we going to do for the rest of the day? Are there enough things in the world to even talk about to fill the time we have? I bit my lip, my palm resting on the cold metal of the door before I finally chased my fears away.

Since when did I worry about things like this? This was so typically teenager like it made me gag. I shook my head before pushing the door open and stepping in, letting it slam behind me as my eyes adapted to the dim lighting.

As the room became clear, my awe at its beauty resurfaced from the first time I came. The beautiful black and red tiled floor polished to perfection. The deep red curtains that covered all the walls. It was if I was in there for the first time again.

I dropped my eyes from the ceiling, they wandered till they landed on the white-haired man sat at the glorious grand piano sitting on that small stage. His head was bowed, and the pianos lid was lifted, his long fingers trailing over the keys. I swallowed thickly before making my way forward, the bottom of my shoes clicked on the tiled floor before I stood beside the piano bench. He didn't look up. Maybe he didn't see me come in,

"Anyone see you?" He spoke so suddenly I jumped. He chuckled lowly at me when I made a face.

"No," I grumbled. "I told you getting away would be easy."

He was smirking as usual. The corner of his mouth pulled up in that cocky, half smile that caused my chest to tighten. He was so handsome I wanted to cry. I could clearly see the amusement in his eyes though I did my best to seem nonchalant - I couldn't have him getting the wrong idea. He tilted his head to the side, frowning playfully at my expression.

"Something the matter, Maka?" he asked, teasing clear in his tone. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him.

"Shut up," I muttered, he slid to the side slightly on the bench so I could take a seat. I eyed it warily before sitting down, as far away from him as I could. He didn't seem to care.

"So," I continued, folding my hands in my lap before turning my head to smile at him. "You gonna play for me or what?"

Soul's brows shot up. I don't think he'd been expecting that.

"You want to hear me play? The piano?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I want to hear you play the tambourine - Of course the piano!"

Soul chuckled before running a nervous hand through his hair, eyeing the keys through narrowed eyes.

"I don't know," he murmured. "I don't really play for people. But we do have a lot of time to kill and…"

I raised a brow. "And?"

Soul sighed before looking over to me, his expression quite disinterested. "And you already know more than anyone. Don't see what harm this could do."

I grinned and nodded.

"Exactly. Don't be a baby, I wanna see if you were lying or not." Soul laughed. It was a funny, real belly laugh that made me giggle.

"What do you want to hear?" he asked, and I smiled in triumph.

"I want to hear something of yours, your best piece. You compose, right?" Soul rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I compose, idiot." He took a deep breath again before unclenching his fists.

"Actually, there is a song I want you to hear." He said suddenly. I nodded.

"Okay… What is it?"

"My latest piece," he told me with a nod. "But also, my best yet. I wrote it after our… talk."

My brows shot up. I hope he wasn't saying…

"Wow, you're not saying you wrote a song for me, are you? Cause that would be a little – "

"Ew, no," he cringed, and I laughed. "I wouldn't say that. More like how I felt after telling you what I did. It was weird, talking about that with someone other than Sid."

I hummed and shrugged. "Okay, I get that. What makes you think it's your best piece?"

"My old music was kinda harsh and dark. My parents fuckin' hated me for it which fuckin' sucked. But my music reflects how I feel, I think. I was angry and hated everythin' so my music turned out that way. When you came here - I don't know, you were so… annoying that it distracted me from how angry I was with them."

I laughed and he smirked before continuing.

"But it's been a while since I've felt any real… positive emotion. It's hard to with Oni, he won't let me. But it's almost like he can't take control when I speak to you, so it's easier." He shook his head at his own words. It must all be very confusing, I guess. I barely understand it.

"Go on then," I said finally, making Soul smirk without looking up as he hovered his hands over the keys, barely touching them.

"Here we go, then," he muttered.

And then he played.

And, my god, was it breath-taking. The song was heart-wrenching. Impeccable. I didn't hear one single fault in the graceful melody he played. It was beautiful but melancholy. Like a song I forgot I knew until I heard it again. The melody was complicated, sometimes angry but still amazing.

Soul's hands danced effortlessly over the keys; his eyes closed gently. His brow wasn't even furrowed. He was so content and relaxed. I don't know why I had expected differently. He was right. It kinda did express how it felt to talk about all our baggage.

The song started to come to a close and it was like I could breathe again. It finished strangely, like the song wasn't really over. Surprisingly, I felt overwhelmed with emotion. It was like I was finally understanding why people turn to music for comfort. The power in a simple melody was unbelievable.

Soul blinked as if waking up, he looked at the keys before a small, almost cocky smile spread across his face. Not to me, to himself, almost like he had surprised himself too. He swallowed thickly before looking over to me, arching a brow and chuckling at my expression.

"Soul," I started but had nothing else to say. It seemed my expression said enough because Soul laughed again.

"It was nothing really, Mak-"

He didn't get another word in before I hugged him. I wrapped my arms tentatively around his shoulders and rested my chin there. I felt him stiffen before slowly snaking his arms around my waist. It was much less awkward than when I first hugged him, all those months ago. It was kinda nice.

"I'm glad you liked it," he muttered into my neck. I shook my head. It was hard to put into words how the closeness of him affected me.

"Like it - Soul I loved it. That was… That was something just - " I couldn't get another word out as I tightened my arms around him.

I slowly came to the realisation that I was embracing Soul and his arms had loosened a while ago. I let go of him abruptly, jumping off the stage and stumbling into the middle of the dim room.

"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, I – I'm sorry," I went on, I hardly knew what to say. Soul watched his with an unreadable gaze before standing and making his way over to me, making my words die down slowly.

"Soul?" I asked as he came to stand before me, closer than he usually did. "Soul, what are yo-"

I was stopped by the pair of lips pressing against my own.

Embarrassingly so, I had shared a kiss with a boy before when I was fourteen, though it was small and sloppy and sweet, before he left me due to my unpopularity. But Soul was not sloppy or sweet. He was aggressive and passionate.

And I fucking loved it.

He grasped my wrists in his large hands before backing me up against the wall roughly, the soft fabric of the curtain softening the impact as his lips slanted against my own. I never knew why that kiss with that boy never made me feel anything. But right now, I finally understood since me not feeling anything was definitely not an issue here.

My hands, which were on either side of my head as Soul kept a grip on my wrists against the wall, came loose to tangle in his hair as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. He trailed his hands down my body, grasping my waist almost painfully as he pressed me more firmly against the wall.

Oh. So, _this_ was what I liked.

His tongue tangled with my own as I tilted my head up to kiss him more easily. As we parted slightly for air, I didn't hesitate to drag him bottom lip lightly between my teeth, to which Soul released a growl – A good to honest growl before slamming his lips to mine again, hooking his fingers through the empty belt loops on my jeans to pull me closer.

After a few long moments Soul pulled back suddenly, almost making me want to groan in annoyance, though his expression stopped me. He jumped a few paces back, a hand running through his hair as he pulled me away from the wall and muttered lowly.

"Someone's coming," He let go of me to put some space between us. Then the doors slammed open.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but who prays for Satan?
> 
> who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner who need it most?

The two heavy doors swung open abruptly though Soul's eyes remained on me. Sid came striding in with narrowed eyes and he stopped in between us both. He opened his mouth to say something, but then his eyes landed on me. He looked between the two of us cautiously.

"You guys caused quite a lot of havoc," he said gruffly, casting a disapproving look to Soul. "Especially you. You knew what today was."

Soul met Sid's glare with a level stare of his own. "And you knew I wouldn't turn up."

Sid looked at him silently before he sighed. He ran a hand through his hair in irritation.

"That may be true," he admitted. "But I didn't know you'd drag Maka along with you. You know she's still fairly new Soul, and that puts you in big trou-"

"He didn't drag me along with him," I interrupted, not even casting a look at Soul's surprise. "I followed him. I was curious. He snapped at me to leave me alone but it's fun to piss him off."

I saw Soul swallow thickly but thankfully, he didn't disagree. Sid looked at me in bewilderment, though he seemed to accept my story.

"Is that right?" he muttered, tilting his head at me before looking back to Soul. "Your parents are here, kid."

Soul scoffed and folded his arms over his chest. "You know what I think about that, Sid. I don't want to see them. Tell them it will affect my recovery or something."

"That excuse seems to work less and less after using it over and over for the past seven years!" Sid said in exasperation before freezing, casting a wide-eyed look in my direction. Soul chuckled and shook his head as Sid started to internally freak out.

"It's alright, she knows," he assured Sid. "But you do that in front of anyone else I'll punch you in the throat."

Sid didn't regard the threat and instead stared incredulously between Soul and Maka. "Wait, you told her how long you've been here? Have you told her why you're h-"

"Yah," Soul interrupted, burying his hands in his pockets. "She knows everything."

Sid raised his brows before looking to me, I frowned under his gaze. I shuffled slightly and Sid seemed to notice my discomfort and finally dragged his eyes away. Sid shook his head before looking back over to Soul.

"Look kid, I really think you should try with yer' parents. C'mon, it's been what? Half a year since you last saw them in person? A year?"

Soul frowned at him; his dark eyes flashed with annoyance. "Yeah, so? I don't want to see them, Sid. I know it won't help me, and I know what will happen if I do."

Sid narrowed his eyes. He cast a swift glance at me.

"Oni will give you hell?" he asked quietly.

"…Yeah," Soul admitted, his voice firm. "My parents are the last people I would ever want to see me have an episode and Oni fucking knows that. So, until I get this under control, I won't see them, Sid. I can't."

Sid held his gaze for a while longer before finally sighing and looking away. He nodded his head slowly.

"Alright, kid. I got it." He responded in a tired voice, obviously seeing no point in arguing. "It's free time now and I've got to go sort this out. Go back to the home room or something, don't stay here." He cast me another look, his eyes remaining there.

"Marie is worried sick. She's got everyone looking around for you, so I suggest you get going now. Now, get going."

He said the last sentence feebly. I realised he knew that we wouldn't be leaving anytime soon. He was just letting us stay anyway.

The doors swung shut behind Sid's retreating form and Soul's eyes met mine again. I looked away first, a blush furiously darkening my cheeks.

"So… You and he seem close." Soul nodded slowly, his eyes falling back to the door.

"Yeah," he agreed, he ran a hair through his white dishevelled hair. "Sid's the only person who could get through to me when I first arrived here."

"You wouldn't talk to anyone?" Soul shook his head.

"No one. All the therapists were so… stern. Professional. It made me feel like I was being studied or something. Sid isn't even a therapist, he's just staff, but he didn't talk to me like everyone else."

"Really? What did he talk to you like?" Soul smirked.

"Like I was normal," he breathed. "If I had a tantrum or something and tried to hurt someone, he'd just yell at me. It made me laugh. All the others wouldn't talk to me but about me. They'd just yell "Evans's having another one, get Stein, we need sedation" or some shit like that."

"And what would Sid say?"

Soul laughed.

"'Oh, for fucks sake kid, can't you chill? Nothing's even happening! Calm the fuck down.'" Soul laughed again. "It'd just snap me out of it. 'Cause he was right! Nothing was happening. I was just angry for absolutely no reason and I'd just… lash out. So, Stein assigned Sid to me."

"But how can he analyse if he doesn't have the training?"

"He used to write things down and give it back to Marie or Stein to read over. But he doesn't really need to do that now, he's learnt from me and them."

I nodded slowly and Soul sighed.

"So, are you done stalling?"

I blinked at him, trying to seem unfazed, even though my heart pounded at his comment. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you haven't even commented on the fact I just kissed you and I'm sure you of all people would have something to say."

Soul was looking down on me through narrowed, yet amused dark red orbs. His mouth, which was usually turned up in a cocky half smirk was in a tight, thin line as he looked down at my face. My brow furrowed in confusion at his expression. I had to fight the urge to look away from him once more. He could be quite intimidating when he wanted to be, I realised suddenly.

"Maka," he began gruffly, though I cut him off before he could go on.

"Don't, Soul," I sighed, taking a step back. "I get it, okay?"

Soul frowned, turning his head at him. "Get what?"

"That is was a mistake," I laughed dryly. Soul's eyes narrowed scarily; he took a small step towards me.

"Really?" he drawled lowly, his deep voice rumbling in his chest. I tried to ignore the flutter in my stomach as the sound resonated through me.

"Really," I agreed, though slightly taken a back. I fell a step back as he moved towards me, his eyes narrowed and his face firm.

"So, you think I'd kiss you, like _that,_ " he growled, and I shivered. "And not mean it? You think I'm that cruel? That stupid I don't think before I act? Sure, I'm mean but I'm not that mean, am I?"

So, I touched a nerve. I frowned and tilted my chin up. "I didn't say that."

"Because, Maka," he went on as if she hadn't even spoken, still moving slowly towards me, I still moved away from him. "I don't do things I don't want to do. I do what I want. Now, you think I would've done that if I didn't want to?"

I swallowed audibly. I gasped quietly as my back hit the wall. "N-no,"

Soul smirked darkly and tilted his head.

"No," he agreed. "I wouldn't. So, you still think it was a mistake?"

I blinked up at him as he finally closed in on me, his chest brushing my own as he stood before me. He looked down on me with dark eyes mixed with anger, annoyance, amusement, and something else I couldn't make out.

I looked away before shaking my head. "No. It – It wasn't a mistake. Not for me."

"And not for me." Soul said quietly, once again tilting my chin up so my eyes met his. The breath caught in my throat.

"You – You're something else, Maka." He told me slowly, his eyes hesitant.

"I seriously don't know what it is." He admitted, he sounded frustrated. "But there's somethin'. I don't talk to people, especially about myself. I'm rude, blunt, and angry and that didn't scare you off. You just so damn stubborn." He muttered, trailing his finger under my chin while his other hand moved behind to me rest on the wall.

"I don't know how you feel about me," he told me. "And I don't really care. But I would never kiss you if it meant nothing to me. And you wouldn't kiss me if I meant nothin' to you either, I'm not stupid."

I gulped and hung onto each word. My hand moved forward to lace my fingers with his, squeezing his hand gently. He smirked. He frowned for a second before releasing a long breath, pulling his hand from my own before muttering: "Fuck it." And then he pressed his lips to mine once more.

It was passionate as the previous kiss, no more than a few minutes ago. His hands grasped my hips and pressed them to his own, a low growl rumbling in his chest as he did. I squealed and my hands drew up to trail over his shoulders before snaking over then, cupping the back of his neck.

He groaned before pushing me more firmly to the wall, dragging my bottom lip between his sinfully sharp teeth as we broke for air, barely giving me a second before he smashed his lips back to mine again. My lips moved with his, every thought on where I was and why I was there left my mind until the only thing I could think of was who I was with.

It was Soul. The boy who had pissed me off from day one and I him. The boy I had a strange but apparent connection with. I was drawn to him. And now he had me pressed up against the wall of a piano room, my leg near enough wrapped around his waist and his lips pressed wonderfully against my own.

Soul was the one to finally break the kiss. He panted lightly, not opening his eyes and pressing his forehead to mine, his breath ghosted over my lips. I looked at his face, his closed eyes before running my hand gently through his hair causing him to give a small smile as he leaned into my touch.

"I don't know what this means to you," he said quietly, his voice lower than usual. "But you mean something to me. And I know I mean something to you. But – But I need to think about a few things, and I bet you do too. But this wasn't a mistake, Maka. You hear me?"

I smiled and nodded, not trusting myself to be able to form words yet. Soul seemed to look at me in wonder before suddenly leaning forward and pressing his lips softly onto mine once more. It was not aggressive or rough, it was slow. Our lips moved together for a few short moments before Soul pulled away again. He nodded at me sharply before turning without another word and exiting the dark piano room.

***

It's safe to say that Marie was not impressed with me when I finally ran into her.

"Maka Albarn," Marie strode towards me just before I made it into my room. I didn't even bother to hide the fact I hung my head back and groaned. I was so sure I had avoided Miss Marie!

"Now, none of that," Marie said when she stopped in front of me, her hands firmly resting on her hips as she looked down furiously at my form.

"Where on earth have you been?" she almost shrieked. "I've been looking everywhere for you, and so have the staff! Do you have any idea how worried we were? This isn't some holiday home Maka, there are rules! Set rules that you must follow. And one of the plainest rules of all is that you must ask permission before you…"

I zoned out as Marie went on, my eyes narrowed into slits as I glared at the floor to avoid Marie's eyes. This wasn't entirely necessary, was it? I was gone for about fifteen minutes, tops.

"-And so, you can realise how careless and stupid it is to just up and disappear! You need to starting think – "

"Okay, Marie," I interrupted the older woman. "It won't happen again, I get it. I was just wandering around. I didn't realise it would start such a _huge_ commotion."

Marie glared furiously at me. "Well, it did. Now, you're very lucky I don't put you in isolation."

"Why don't you?" I challenged, even though the thought of being locked in a room all on my own sent a wave of fear through me.

Marie went quiet.

"Because, you didn't cause too much harm." She said softly and my eyebrows shot up. Could it be that Sid had already spoken to her?

"Anyways," Marie interrupted my thoughts. "We know where you are now. Please, in future, inform us if you want to go somewhere. There are certain places that are out of bounds." I was nodding even before she had finished.

"Of course," _Anything to shut you up,_ I added silently.

"Good, now go to your room. Classes are still off."

"Is something still going on at the adult's floor?" I asked, Marie gave me a sharp look.

"We're just sorting some things out," she said, almost frantically. I took a step back.

"What's going on up there?" I meant the question to be rhetorical, but Marie shunned me anyway.

"Never you mind, missy! It's bad enough that I have to deal with the children on this ward running around willy-nilly, but I need to keep an eye on the child up there as well!"

"Wait, what?" My eyes flashed. "There's a child on the adult's ward? Why? Who?"

Marie had her hand pressed over her mouth; she realised a long sigh before pressing her fingertips to her temples.

"That is really none of your business, Maka." She said in a very tired, precise voice. Something clicked in my mind.

"…Chrona?" I said slowly, my eyes trained on Marie's face in order to access her reaction.

But I received none. Marie only frowned at me; her head tilted slightly to the side before she simply turned her back without another word.

***

I was in a foul mood as I returned to my room. My mind fell heavily into that deep, hazy blue that took me hours to pull myself from. I fell into a heap on my bed, I pulled the covers over my head and tried desperately to just fall asleep then and there.

The blue, the black, the white. I didn't really know what colour I fell into when I felt like this. It _hurt._ Why did I have to feel like this? Wasn't this place meant to make me better, make me _feel_ better?

I felt almost angry. Couldn't they fix me already? That's what's this place for, wasn't it? And yet, I still felt so horrible. I still craved the feeling of pressing that blade to my wrist until beads of blood, my life force, formed from the wound. I still craved the death I'd attempted, that brought me here. But… that's not right, is it? I've never been this happy. I'd never felt so safe, so… cared for.

So, why? Why was I so unbearably miserable when this was the brightest, I'd ever felt? Why was I drowning in blue… in grey? It was my mind. My dumb, fucking mind. I was just so fucked up that no matter how happy people made me it would never last. My brain wouldn't allow such a thing. I was incapable of happiness.

There was no other explanation. I had no reason to feel this way, especially right now. It was poison. Toxic. It seeped into my blood, into my brain, and changed me. Formed me.

I screamed into my pillow. It was just so frustrating! My mood kept changing so suddenly that I couldn't keep up with them anymore. It was painful. I just needed to keep it together, but I couldn't.

The feeling of being completely powerless in controlling your own emotions? The feeling of not even knowing who the real you is? Is it the positive, somewhat happy teenage girl or is it the sad, unbalanced, dangerous individual with a nasty tendency of clawing herself open and praying for death?

But I didn't want to die. I didn't want to hurt myself or anyone else, not now people cared about me. Now that I knew I had these disorders, all I wanted was to get better. I just wanted to feel better. Be normal.

Was that so much to ask? Not to be dragged in by the ugly, blue-grey cloud that made me choke bitterly on my own existence. I didn't want to hate myself. But I so, desperately did. I despised myself with every element of my body.

More than my Mama, she realised in horror. The woman who allowed left me alone with Papa, because she was too dumb to know what was happening or just didn't care. More than my abusive, neglectful Dad that I was too terrified to stand up to, even though he was the sole reason for my crippling misery.

I lay awake almost the entire night, pondering all of this. Why me, why not someone else? I knew I'd never know; I could only hope that the people here could just fix me. Even though were taking the sweet time about it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writers are dangerous people.
> 
> never take a writer for granted.
> 
> they are snipers armed with words.
> 
> they know how to aim with sentences,
> 
> how to fire with paragraphs,
> 
> and how to immortalise their kills in verse.

When I heard banging on my door, I knew it was Stein, but I didn't get up. I resolved in my head that no matter how hard he banged on the door, I wouldn't stand to open it.

I didn't sleep a wink last night and I was still awake when Stein began knocking promptly on the door and it made rage slowly begin to build in my stomach. I buried my face in my pillow, biting it to suppress my anger when I heard Stein peek in the room.

"Oi," he called. "Medicine. Now."

I didn't respond. I was breathing very heavily into the pillow, my eyes squeezed shut in annoyance. Stein came into the room.

"Kid," he said gruffly. I heard him shake the small paper bag. "Take your medicine. You're usually up before I get here."

"Go away," I muttered quietly into the pillow, my hands beginning to shake with rage.

"What?" he drawled, and his tone was what made me snap. I arched up from the bed to smack the paper bag from his hand, making it hit the wall lightly.

"Get out!" I said a bit louder, my eyes alight with fury. I had the pleasure of seeing caution finally slash in Stein's eyes as he backed away a few steps.

"Alright, easy, Maka," he said lowly. I growled lowly when I heard my name.

"Easy." He picked up the medicine from the floor before turning back to me.

"What's going on?"

I whipped my head around to look to the doorway. Blackstar was stood there, his usually wide and child-like eyes narrowed as he eyed the scene. Ironically enough, Blackstar was the one in their ward who had made the most progress. It was likely he would be leaving soon.

"Blackstar," Stein said slowly, still eyeing my shaking form warily, as if I would pounce at any minute. "Will you go and get Marie for me? Sid too."

I snarled, standing from the bed causing Stein to back away more and Blackstar to tense.

"I am so sick of this," I said very quietly, but my voice shook. "I'm sick of this ward. I'm sick of pretending like your stupid medicine is doing anything for me when it's not! Do I look okay to you? I am _furious_ and I don't even know why! Now, you either give me a blade or get the fuck out of my way or I swear to God Stein, I will make you."

Blackstar recoiled at my harsh words, though Stein was unfazed. He just urged Blackstar to go do as he was told. I could see the surprise and unease in Blackstar's gaze. I'd done so well at keeping it together around people – He'd never seen me like this. It's a shame that this is how he had to see it.

"You gonna be okay, though?" he said in a wary voice, Stein nodded.

"It's my job, kid. Send someone or get them, but we need them. She seems to be having a-"

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" I screeched, making the two looks back to me. Kid came to stand behind Blackstar, his expression stern as he peered at me. The girls were behind him. I felt my mood shifting suddenly to sadness, but all that did was make me angrier.

"Get out." I said slowly, my eyes intent and dangerous on Stein. He shook his head.

"No. Don't worry Maka, everything will be fi-"

" _Fine?_ " I snapped. "Oh yeah, like people haven't been telling me that my whole life. Don't you see, Doctor Stein? I'll get better without you, but right now you're making me so – so _angry_ -"

"Maka, I – "

"Don't fucking ' _Maka_ ' me!" I could barely believe he had the nerve. I threw the closest thing I could grasp, which was a pencil case from the desk, at him. The relief I felt at doing so make me want to throw more. I wanted to kick things, hit things. I threw all the contents of my desk at the doorway, before tipping over the desk itself. As I got to the chair, Marie and Sid entered the room.

Soul was behind them.

"Maka…" Marie began sadly. I hissed under my breath. Marie's voice made a rage I didn't even know was possible build in me. My eyes snapped to her.

"Don't," I growled and started towards her, though before I got any closer, Soul swooped in the push me away, moving with me.

"Soul, I fucking _swea_ -"

"Maka," he said, completely calm. "You're not well. Worrying about other people seems to have made you forget that."

I glared furiously at him.

"You have no idea, what is wrong with me Soul," I said slowly, my eyes dangerous as I did. Soul nodded.

"I know. But Maka – "

"Don't say but! I'm sick of it. I am sick of this! So, I want out. I can't cope with not sleeping at night. All these – these horrible _thoughts_ in my head it's just so – so overwhelming. And then I have to get up and go to these fucking music lessons and you guys don't understand I don't _want_ to. I don't want to do _anything_ \- "

"It's because you're sick, Maka," Soul said, his voice raising as I grew more incoherent. "I don't know what's wrong with you but listen to me-"

"You know that promise I made you, Soul? Do you remember? The one about me hurting myself, about me never doing that again?" I asked him suddenly, making Soul's eyes narrow and break his calm façade.

"Yeah," he began slowly but I didn't let him go on.

"I want to break it," I growled. Soul took a sharp intake of breath as he took in my expression.

"I'm _gonna_ break it. I don't want to be here anymore; I don't want to be _anywhere_ anymore."

My voice shook, the anger slowly faded into a sad agony that made me feel so hopeless it was painful.

"Maka," Marie uttered, her eyes sad so sad I couldn't bear to look at her. I noticed Stein re-enter the room as my knees wobbled when the severity of the morning hit me.

"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it," I whispered, drawing my wrists from Soul's hands to grip my head.

"I hate it!" I shouted and turned to punch the wall. It made an audible crunch like noise as it connected, and it felt fucking amazing. I couldn't stop. I wouldn't stop. My fist was red as my knuckle burst but I got another hit in before Soul grabbed my shoulders and pulled me away to sit on the bed.

Everyone gasped and Marie ushered them from the room. Sid was watching me, he had stepped forward to keep me from hurting myself more, but Soul was the only person who dared to get so close to me.

"I hate it, I hate it, Soul I hate it," I sobbed. Soul frowned and cradled my face in his hands as he tried to make me look at him.

"You hate what, Maka?" he asked and then I felt a prick in my arm. Stein pressed the needle into the crook of my elbow and my eyes began to droop shut, but not before uttering an answer to his question.

"Me," I whispered before everything went black.

***

My throat hurt. I didn't open my eyes but my right hand throbbed and my head ached. I squeezed my eyes shut before blinking them open, frowning at the unfamiliar, hospital-like room before the memories dawned on me.

I gasped. I had restrained from doing everything I did then for so long that I guess I just snapped. I buried my face in my hands but winced when I tried to open my right one. It was bandaged. I suddenly recalled punching the wall and swallowed thickly. My attention was diverted when the door creaked open.

"Maka," Marie came in, a soft smile in place as she came to sit beside her bed.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said almost immediately. Marie nodded in understanding before placing a piece of paper on my lap.

"You don't have to." she said gently. She gestured to my injured hand. "You broke two of your knuckles, but Stein's patched them up."

I nodded and turned my head away. Marie sat on the side of my bed.

"I realised I never really explained your illnesses to you." she said softly. "That was wrong of me. But I know you don't want me to sit here and ramble on about why you're here so I just listed, very simply, the things you should expect. Now, these aren't all your illnesses, we still have some we need to explain to your parents before we tell you. But these are the things the medicine we give you treats. Now, you're good for now, Stein gave you your medicine with an injection earlier, but I really think you should read this."

I nodded, I looked anywhere but at her as guilt gnawed in my stomach.

"Okay," Marie nodded before standing. "I'll leave you be. You can rest for today as you should feel a little groggy. That sound good?"

I nodded, not looking up until I heard the door click shut. When I did, I picked up the paper in my hands and sighed before reading the contents.

***

_ Personality Disorder _

_Intense emotions and mood swings._

_Harmful, impulsive behaviours._

_Relationship problems._

_Low self-worth._

_A frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned)._

_ Slight Psychosis _

_Hallucinations_

_Delusions_

_Confused and disturbed thoughts_

_Lack of insight and self-awareness_

_Aggressive behaviour._

_ Severe Depression _

_Alcohol or drug abuse._

_Insomnia or excessive sleeping._

_Irritability._

_Loss of interest in activities that used to be enjoyable._

_Hopelessness._

_Persistent thoughts of something bad happening._

_Thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts._

***

I rolled my tongue over my bottom lip as I glared forward, something I did when I was angry. I gripped the edges of the paper tightly in my good hand, creasing it before relaxing. I was about to rip it up when I heard another knock on the door before it opened.

I held my breath as Soul closed the door behind him, his head bowed as he made his way over to the bed, not missing how I turned to paper over. He was silent for a few moments, the only sound in the room was our shallow breathing before he finally spoke.

"What happened?" he asked quietly. I shrugged and looked away.

"Nothing. Like you said, I'm sick." I wrapped my arms around my torso, trying to ease the sudden tightness in my chest.

He was quiet before sighed and on the bed.

"I told you everything." Soul said suddenly, making me swallow thickly as I tried to get a look at his face, but he kept it turned away.

"I told you things I never told anyone, not anyone at all." He muttered. "I think it's only fair you do the same and tell me what's wrong with you."

I blinked before closing my eyes, my grip once again tightening on the sheet in my hands. I tried to think up an excuse, but I came up blank. Soul kept quiet about himself for seven years, but he explained everything to me just because he felt he owed it me. Me coming clean with him was the least I could do. I released a long breath before drawing up the paper.

"These are a few of my diagnoses. There are a lot more apparently, but they say it's best I'm kept in the dark about that for now." I murmured as I handed him the paper. I saw his eyes widen as he eyed each of the titles, his jaw growing taught as he read each of the symptoms carefully before his bangs shielded his eyes.

"These are only a few?!" he whispered, his hands wrapping around mine, though he had yet to look up. " I- I had no idea. You should have told me sooner. I would've-"

"What?" I laughed dryly. "There's nothing you could have done. And if anything, you're the one who kept me sane for if I did. I can't believe I didn't snap sooner."

Soul chuckled sadly. "That's true."

I bit my lip as I looked at him. It had been six days since the kiss in the piano room and we had avoided each other since. Soul must have been recalling this also as he looked to me.

"I told you I had to think," he said slowly. "And I've made up my mind."

My breath hitched and I nodded slowly.

"I'm no good for you," he began. "But I'm selfish and you're good for me. You say I help your condition and that I make you happy, but... But, I'm not a great guy, Maka. I've done some bad things and I'm not... normal. But I care for ya, Maka. Way more than I want to admit."

"I know," I whispered. "I agree. I – I care for you, too. A lot. And I know you think you're no good for me, but you are, Soul. You are."

Soul smiled lightly before looking down to my lips, then back up to my eyes. I read his intention perfectly and parted my lips, making him lean in to press a soft kiss to them. Our lips moved together for a few short moments before I pulled away. Soul rested his forehead lightly against mine.

"So, it's settled," he concluding, breathing lightly against my lips. I smiled.

"It's settled." Soul pulled back to say something else before knocking on the door erupted once more. Soul and I frowned.

"Come in," I called weakly, shrugging lightly to Soul. The door creaked open and I looked over to eye the people behind it, though the colour drained from my face the moment my eyes met theirs.

"Maka," Papa's voice cracked almost angrily and my Mother remained silent behind him, but her eyes were pained.

My eyes widened before they narrowed into slits, then lost all their emotion. Only then did I see Soul stiffen in the corner of her eye.

"Hey… Um, Mama. Dad." I mumbled as I eyed them warily. The moment I said 'Dad', I felt Soul jolt. I looked to his face to see his eyes hard on my Papa. It was obvious he was trying to control his expression. I turned to see my Papa's face, which was not happy.

"This your friend?" He asked, stepping into the room. His jaw was taut, and my throat dried up.

"Yes," I managed. Papa nodded slowly and smiled nastily.

"Wanna give us some space, boy?"

I felt Soul rumble and pressed my palm to his shoulder. I tried to ignore my father's intense gaze while I nodded.

"It's fine. You can go."

"You'll be alright?" He asked, his voice hard. Fear laced through me – My Dad wouldn't like that he had to ask that.

"Of course," I smiled. It was so fake that I don't know why I bothered. Soul watched me for a moment longer before forcing himself to stand. He squeezed my hand and walked around my parent's but not without sharing a stare with Papa.

Papa stared blankly at the door as Soul closed it behind him. He cleared his throat and turned towards me.

"You two seem close," He said nicely, but I knew him well enough to know I was in trouble.

"Yeah. Yeah, he's great."

"He didn't seem to like me very much."

I said nothing. Papa cast an annoyed look at my mother, and I was scared he was going to ask her to leave for a second so he could do what he really wanted to do.

"We heard about your little… Outburst, this morning," Papa went on, making his way over to the bed. As he did, I shook my head, closing my eyes and making him falter to stop about a foot away from the bed. I heard my Mama swallowed thickly and step forwards to stand beside her husband to look at me.

"Yes," Mama managed. "Your doctors said that maybe if you told us about it, it would help - So, do you want to – "

"Help?" I scoffed, suddenly brave as I interrupted Mama. "You really don't get it, do you?"

My Dad clenched his fists in warning – I ignored it.

"This isn't just a little outburst." I narrowed my eyes as I spat the words. "This isn't some little _phase_ I'm going through. No, listen to me: I'm sick. There's something – multiple things – _very_ wrong with me."

I shook my head at my Papa and glared at him.

"Why is it so hard for you to accept that?"

Mama recoiled slightly, but Papa's eyes only narrowed in annoyance.

"Because you have no _reason_ to be," he growled. Now this was the Spirit Albarn that I was more accustomed to. "You're just being overly dramatic. Acting out for attention. What did we do wrong to cause you to suddenly get these – these - conditions? Seems a little too sudden to me. No, I think you-"

And I snapped.

"Are you fucking _kidding_ me?!"

I leapt up from the bed, breathing heavily with outrage as I stood chest to chest with my Papa, my eyes alight with utter fury. I saw surprise in his eyes due to my response, but then a flood of anger.

"Sudden?!" I almost screeched. "How the fuck is this sudden!? I have been absolutely miserable my entire life because of _you._ " I sneered the word, my eyes darkening with disgust as I glared furiously at the pathetic excuse of a man.

"Not Mama, not school, _you._ Because, if it wasn't for you, Mama wouldn't be unhappy, school wouldn't suck and I wouldn't be fucking _crazy,_ due to my so-called Papa being a pathetic, no good, raging alcoholic, _whore_ – "

Then my face exploded in agony.

My ears ringed and my head snapped to the side as the back of my Papa's hand hit my cheek, whipping my face the other way. I heard my Mama's gasp before anything else but couldn't really think about it before Papa's fist connected with the other side of my face – He threw all of his full grown-man's strength into the blow and the momentum of it threw me onto the bed. Then it stopped.

I didn't look up when I heard the door slam open and Papa was pulled from the room, along with my Mama's hysterical apologies and outrage. I didn't want to look up. I didn't want to see his face, his expression. I slowly brought a hand up to my cheek. It ached familiarly and blood trickled onto my hand.

I suddenly felt hands on my shoulders and turned my head to see Miss Marie looking at me with eyes full of worry and… guilt. I could see her lips moving but couldn't make out the words. That was the last thing I saw before everything else went black.

I woke up in a different room, but I still seemed to be in the hospital wing. I frowned and sat up slowly, rubbing the back of my bed-mussed head before recollection dawned on me. I sighed heavily, lifting my hand back up to my cheek. It felt swollen and his stupid ring had obviously cut my face, but I couldn't see it. My throat felt thick and tight. I coughed a few times before swinging my legs over the side of the bed and sat up.

I was about to stand when I heard a knock on the door. I muttered my approval for the person to enter and Soul came in, his eyes instantly narrowed as they zeroed in on my cheek. I fought the urge to raise a brow. Guess it looked worse than it felt.

Soul slowly approached the bed to sit in the chair beside it, his eyes never leaving my face. Slowly, his hand drew up to trace where Papa hit me with eyes full of regret.

"I – " His voice was low and rumbling. He cleared his throat. "I shouldn't have left."

I shook my head.

"No, I'm glad you left otherwise it wouldn't have happened," Soul frowned in confusion.

"I told him." I whispered, almost not believing it myself. Soul still looked confused, so I went on.

"How I felt all this time - I really told him. I've never shouted at him before and it felt so good to since everything that's wrong with my life spirals from him. My Mama would probably be amazing if it wasn't for him. School wouldn't have sucked if he wasn't the stupid vice principal. The hit was just – necessary. And nothing I'm unused to."

I shrugged and Soul tensed.

"He - He did that a lot?"

"… We don't have to – "

"This bad? Was it like this, all the time?"

I hesitated. I didn't really see the point in hiding anything now.

"No," he relaxed, and I cringed. "It was worse."

I felt him stiffen and couldn't bring myself to look at him. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head.

"Please, don't. Don't make me talk about it."

Soul stayed quiet and it was a long moment before he spoke again.

"The staff are going crazy. Marie is having a fuckin' mental breakdown she feels that bad about letting them in. Not only was it evident that most of your problems are due to your life at home but now he's showing signs of child abuse…" he shook his head again, his eyes glazed over.

"They won't let you go back to him. Never." I shrugged.

"I don't really care where I end up if it's as far away from that man as possible." I hummed in contemplation.

"You – You know you're gonna have to talk about it, right?" He said quietly, his low voice impossibly seeming lower. "They're gonna try and make you dig it all up – Relive it."

"I know," I whispered, and my chest clenched.

Soul was quiet again till I felt his arm wrap around my shoulders and pull me to him.

"I've got you," he muttered, and I crumbled. His arm tightened. "I've got you."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i am worth anything later,
> 
> i am worth something now.
> 
> for wheat is wheat,
> 
> even if people only think it is grass in the beginning.

_"Makael!"_

_I gasped. Daddy was drunk again. I threw down the crayon I was holding and grabbed my teddy bear from the bed before scurrying to my closet._

_"Makael Albarn!"_

_I resisted the urge to shout that that was not my name. My name was Maka. Makael was a boy's name. Why did Daddy keep calling me that?_

_The closet was pulled open and I felt a firm, cold hand wrap around my upper arm. Papa yanked me from the closet. It made my shoulder hurt._

_"Where's your mother?" Papa slurred. I whimpered._

_"Why are you calling me Makael?" I whimpered. I pulled my bear to my chest as Papa considered my words._

_"Oh… Oh, that's right." He murmured. He yanked my arm again._

_"Ow!"_

_"Where is Kami?" he roared, and I couldn't hold back my tears as fear closed my throat and my shoulder screamed in protest._

_"I don't know!" I cried. "She found something in your room, and it made her sad! I asked if I could go too but she said no! She told me…"_

_"What?" he snapped and pulled my arm again._

_"She said nasty things about you," I whispered. "She called you a cheater. What does that mean, Daddy?"_

_Daddy was quiet for a few moments and I thought he was going to let me go and leave me alone. I hoped he would. I was always happier when I was alone and not with my parents._

_After a few minutes my arm started to ache worse, so I tried to pull away. At first, Daddy didn't react, and I pulled free. I rolled my shoulder and tried to back away from my Papa's frozen form._

_But… Poor Daddy. He was just crouching on the floor, completely solid. He's sad. I made my way forwards and put my tiny hand on his shoulder._

_"Daddy… Are you okay?"_

_At first, he didn't respond. I waited a few moments, but a strange feeling started building in my stomach. I felt nearly frozen with fear. This was a bad idea… I realised with the small voice in my mind. But as I started to draw my hand away, Papa's snapped down on mine._

_"You little shit!" he roared and as he hit me. I fell down._

_"Don't Daddy!" I sobbed fearfully, but he didn't care. He forced me to stand up just to hit me again, this time knocking me into the wall._

_"It's all your fucking fault!" he bellowed. "Kami is gone and it's…" he empathised his words with another strike to my small body._

_My mind was ringing. It's my fault? I asked myself in agony. I stopped crying while he hit me. The only noise was the breath being forced from my body with each blow. I'm the reason Mummy and Daddy are always shouting, screaming, and yelling._

_I deserved this, I thought in anguish as tears streamed down my cheeks and my vision blurred. Daddy's voice sounded like it was from a long way away. But I deserved this. It was all my fault…_

"Maka?"

I didn't open my eyes as the infirmary's door creaked open. Some light from the hall spilled into the dark room and lit up the bottom of my bed. I covered my eyes at the sight of it and swallowed a groan of annoyance. My stomach was in knots from my dream and my pillow felt wet. I rubbed my face furiously as I sensed someone shuffling in the doorway.

"May I come in?"

Miss Marie hovered in the doorway and peeked through the half open door. I thought about faking sleep for a moment, but this was the first-time Marie had tried to talk to me since my Papa beat me, which was almost an entire week ago. I sighed before turning on my back and sitting up to meet eyes with the woman.

"Yes, Miss Marie," I said quietly, not knowing how to talk to the woman I was told was so guilt-stricken.

Miss Marie kept her eyes on the floor as she made her way into the room, she started to close the door but stopped as the light was chased out and the room grew dark once more. She looked at me again.

"May I turn the light on?" she asked in that same soft, almost tentative voice. I nodded and hid my irritation. She was talking to me as if she was speaking to a scared child. It was almost insulting.

Marie flicked on the light and closed the door the entire way. I squinted as the light invaded my eyes and I fought the urge to cover them as I knew that would hint to Miss Marie how long I had been laying there in the dark. I knew Marie would have something annoyingly perceptive to say if she knew about that, and I didn't have the energy to deal with that right now.

Miss Marie, who I knew usually liked the sit on the side of my bed from all the times she had entered my bedroom, took one of the empty seats near the window and pulled it to the bedside before sitting down. Only then did she lift her eyes to mine and finally offer a gentle smile.

"How have you been doing, Maka?"

I didn't answer.

"The time you were meant to return to your own room is more than overdue. Want to tell me why you're so keen to remain here?"

I gritted my teeth but again didn't answer. Marie swallowed thickly before looking to the floor.

"…I've been told from the other councillors sent to talk to you that you haven't been very cooperative. Can you tell me why that -"

"None of them were my previously assigned councillor."

My firm, cold voice overlapped Miss Marie's soft and quiet one. The room grew thick with tension but remained as quiet as it had been since Marie had come in. Miss Marie closed her eyes and took and deep, shaky breath before shaking her head slowly. I almost frowned. That was unprofessional. Why was she acting like this?

"No… No, they were not." She answered, even though I made more of a statement than ask question.

"You are." I added, my eyes firm on Marie while hers were glued to the sheets that covered my legs.

"…Yes." Miss Marie nodded. "But… If I had come here to try and speak with you about the – the incident. Would you have spoken to me? Would you have told me how you felt about what happened?"

I narrowed my eyes before clicking my tongue and looking away. Miss Marie nodded and kept her eyes on me.

"I may feel very responsible for what happened. But that would not keep me from my job. It was suggested that maybe you would respond well to other councillors since you are aware that I was the one who let you parents into your room."

I nodded slowly; my eyes still narrowed. Marie went on.

"But you didn't respond to them. Just like you don't respond to me. Your illnesses… they make you unwell, for sure – but no doubt they make you smart. You - You know what we look for when we talk to you and try to read you. You know what signs we look for when you lie, or when you're angry or upset. You know how to read emotions and body language just as well as we do... You use this, don't you Maka?"

I fought the urge to smirk. Instead, I pressed my tongue to the inside of my cheek and glared at the annoyingly white bed sheets before me. Was there a point to this?

Marie nodded, knowing I had answered her question with my silence.

"There's only one person you respond to. Only one person who has really… Been a benefit to you while you've been here."

I narrowed my eyes. She was not. She wasn't stupid enough to do this, was she? I finally looked up to access Miss Marie carefully. I suspected where she was going with this, but I tried to have faith that she was completely dumb. Miss Marie met my gaze head on before finally speaking the name:

"Soul."

I didn't even attempt to hide my snarl. This was the definition of none of her business. I didn't like the adults meddling in my personal matters. Soul and I didn't want to focus on what was wrong with us, we wanted to forget about that.

We couldn't have the adults pushing us to talk about our illnesses and things we weren't ready to discuss yet with each other. It would just destroy whatever it was we had. That can't be what Marie wants, so why wasn't she realising this?

I clicked my tongue in annoyance once more and tried to smother my rage. "Mine and Soul's relationship is not one I wish to discuss."

Miss Marie tilted her head.

"No? It has come to my attention that he has neglected coming here since…" she squinted her eyes in thought.

"Five days ago? That's the longest I've seen you apart."

My eyes flashed with anger as I offered Marie a tight but nasty smile. "That's irrelevant. This conversation is pointless. I'm going back to my room."

I pushed the covers off myself roughly and jumped out of the bed. I swayed a little bit, having been laying down for so long but my anger helped me stride to the door. Miss Marie followed behind me, her eyes a little more cautious. I was happy with that. She was right to be cautious with the way I was feeling right now.

"Maka, you're still in your nightgown, let's get you some clothes an-"

I was too pissed off. I scoffed as I swung the door open, my night gown like hospital robe billowed frantically around me as the door opened and I marched out. My bare feet slapped against the cold tiles as I desperately tried to get away from that woman.

"Maka. Maka, just wait a minute!" Miss Marie made a big mistake when she grabbed my wrist just as we passed the leisure area where all the other patients where. I halted very abruptly as Marie's cold, dainty hand wrapped around my skinny wrist. My bangs covered my eyes and the room grew very quiet as I spoke in a low voice.

"Miss Marie," I said quietly. "If you don't let go of my wrist - right now - I'm afraid the little _outburst,_ as my Papa called it will look as innocent as a nun's sewing circle."

Marie let go of my hand as if she had been electrocuted. She opened her mouth to try and console me, but I only grew more and more angry. Then I noticed a flash of white at my side.

"Maka."

My breathing only grew heavier as Soul's taut, firm voice rang through the room. I didn't turn around, but I turned my head slightly, so an eye met his. Soul was calm, his hands buried in his pockets and he stood in his usual, casual slouch. But his usually bored, lazy eyes were hard and wary. He nodded his head towards one of the hallways, the one leading to the piano room – _our_ piano room. The breath hitched in my throat. I nodded.

Immediately, Soul stepped forward and grabbed my wrist. He sent a look to Marie – who nodded – before he dragged me away.

***

As the piano room's doors came into view, I pulled from Soul's grip and marched forward to slam both doors open. They hit the walls loudly as I made my way into the room. Soul followed in slowly and closed the doors quietly behind him.

I ran my hands agitatedly through my hair and started pacing the glowing black and red floor. My breathing grew more and more erratic.

"I don't know how much longer I can cope with this," I growled, but didn't halt my pacing. Soul stood a few feet away, his eyes trained on my movements calmly.

"I'm just so – so _angry._ All the time." My voice raised hysterically. "I… I don't even – the littlest things, Soul. Miss Marie, she hardly even said anything! All she said was that you help me recover and I – I don't know Soul, I just snapped. But I don't know why! I – I – "

I released a small shriek of frustration. The fingers in my hair curled into fists and pulled at the roots.

"I feel so normal one moment," I rasped, my voice sounded pained and scratchy. "Then I'll just feel so _sad._ I don't want to move. I just want to lay in bed all the time. They – They kept on coming in, telling me I can go back to my room, but I didn't _want_ to. You wanna know why?! Because _my_ room was brighter than the infirmary, and all I wanted to do was lay in the dark on my own! Not even fucking sleep, Soul! Just – "

I pressed my hands over my face, releasing a low, pained groan before finally stumbling to a stop and falling to my knees, my face still buried in my hands.

"They kept peeking their stupid little heads in," I ranted as I lifted my face, not even glancing at Soul's face. "Asking me if I was okay, how I was doing, and it was just so… infuriating. I wanted to kill them. I wanted to jam their stupid heads in that stupid door just to shut them up and I have no idea why! They weren't doing any harm; they were _literally_ just doing their jobs and yet it made me want to… want to –" I shoved my face in my hands again.

"And then – " I began before Soul could get a word in; my voice muffled behind my hands. "The smallest, _tiniest_ thing is said, and it just flips a switch."

I pulled my hands from my face to look up at Soul. He was in the same place, his hands in his pockets and his eyes firm on me. They were hard and pained.

"You know what I mean? That switch, it can just go off and you _snap. _" I took a very sharp inhale of air and pressed a hand to my forehead, the other hand slapping down onto the tiled floor as I leaned forward.__

__"Switch went off, Soul," I groaned._ _

__"…And what happens to you when the switch goes off?" he asked, his voice quiet._ _

__I didn't say anything as I glared at my pathetic reflection in the polished tiles and watched myself open my mouth to answer his question._ _

__"I want to break things," I said, my voice shaking. "Scream. Run. Anything to just – burn out all the anger. It's like… I can feel the rage just start to build in my stomach until it runs through my veins and all I want to do is let it out. Just – Just hit things. A pillow, the walls, the floor, the people – "_ _

__I lifted my head, feeling totally exhausted as I said my next word._ _

__"Me."_ _

__That's when I think Soul had had enough. He marched forwards to kneel before me and take my face in his hands. He snarled at me, his perfect, sharp white teeth bared and beautiful crimson eyes blazing._ _

__"Then you need to get a hold of yourself." He barked at me. I looked up at him in shock, my brows creased into a frown._ _

__"You're tougher than this, Maka," he snapped. "You can control your emotions. It's just the things that are wrong with you are making it harder. But when that happens it's not _you._ "_ _

__He ran a hand through my hair, his eyes narrowing as my expression became more broken._ _

__"It's not you," he repeated. "You need to realise that! And every time you start to feel that way, you will not lock yourself in the fucking infirmary and not let anybody in. And you won't go running off to go willow in your anger and misery alone. Find me, you fucking idiot! And I'll remind you of who you are and tell you again what you're not."_ _

__He dropped his hands to his sides and sat up straight to look at me with a hard expression before saying firmly:_ _

__"Because it sure as hell isn't this."_ _

__I swallowed thickly, the swirling agony in my mind finally began to subdue. I blinked up at Soul in slight bewilderment. He seemed to be shocked at the sudden awe in my gaze while I looked up at him. His previously angry eyes grew more and more confused and almost suspicious as he looked down on me._ _

__I was just so… bemused by him. I didn't know someone could be so amazing and unconditionally kind – even if it was in the gruffest way possible. And I couldn't even comprehend why he would want to waste his time on some pathetic, completely unbalanced girl like me._ _

__It hit me like the first time every time. He was just so beautiful. He was so sad and so beautiful. I'd never seen such kindness before. I never knew such kindness could exist._ _

__Tears started to flood in my eyes, and it wasn't hard for Soul to notice. His eyes grew soft and he sighed before pulling me into his chest where I buried my face. His arms curled around me and he rubbed my back comfortingly. He buried his face in my hair and I groaned. Why was he doing this to me?_ _

__"Why are you so nice to me?" I sobbed. Soul just shushed me._ _

__"I'm sure you'd do the same for me," he replied in a quiet voice. I glanced up to find him glaring at the ceiling. His face was pinched and pained. He's fighting, I realised. The hell inside his head. I tried to pull away, but Soul pulled me back._ _

__"No, no it's okay," he said, obviously, as he caught me. "It's not so bad. It never is when I'm with you."_ _

__I hummed._ _

__"Why do you think that is?" I asked and tilted my head up to look at him again. He smirked._ _

__"Because you're such a splendid person?" he offered in a teasing voice. I scoffed._ _

__"Thank you," I breathed. "But seriously, why? Why can't Oni really get to you when I'm here?"_ _

__Soul went quiet for a while._ _

__"I think it's because…" he trailed off. "For the first time – I actually care about someone."_ _

__My breath shook and I felt a small percentage of the rage burn away in my stomach. I released a long exhale of relief._ _

__"Same here," I said softly. I felt him freeze but I continued. "I was so, _so_ angry before, even though I knew I had no real reason to be. And the fact that I knew that only made me so much angrier. But the moment you came…"_ _

__I smiled. I felt Soul nod and pulled away._ _

__"Then whenever you're feeling all… psycho." I hit him lightly and he grumbled a laugh before going on. "I'll help."_ _

__I smiled and smacked him playfully again. "Okay, I think I'm ready to leave now."_ _

__"You're sure?"_ _

__"I'm sure."_ _


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i do not fear death.
> 
> i had been dead for billions of years before i was born,
> 
> and i have not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

It was a Tuesday when Mama demanded to come and see me.

It was 9:17 AM on a Friday morning, nearly two weeks since the incident with Papa, and I was just finishing my breakfast. Well, finishing was a bit of an over statement since I had hardly eaten anything since the commotion with my Dad.

"Maka," Tsubaki began for the millionth time, concern pooling in her eyes as she eyed my plate, identical to what it was when I brought it to the table. "You really should eat something. You'll get unwell."

"I'm already unwell," I grumbled quietly. I rolled my eyes at myself, not wanting to make Tsubaki worry any more than she already was. I looked up to her with a sigh and smiled apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Tsu," I began, my eyes casting down once more. "Guess I just don't really have much of an app-"

I was cut off by the sound of slamming doors and heavy footsteps. I heard voices, some demanding and careful, and another high pitched and frantic. It took me a moment to realise that that voice belonged to my Mama.

"You can't stop me!" she shouted at someone. "I have a right to see my own daughter! Now, where is she?! Is she in here?"

The doors to the dining area flung open. When she came into view, I took in Mama's appearance idly. But then my eyes narrowed somewhat in slight interest, maybe even shock.

Mama actually looked troubled. She was a fucking mess. Not smart and sophisticated like usual. Her hair wasn't in its usual elegant bun but hanging past her shoulders. Her jacket wasn't done up neatly - It was left unbuttoned and billowed out behind her wherever she walked. As well as that, she hadn't any make up on. She looked utterly lost. Sad. Her eyes met mine and one emotion filled her eyes, one I hadn't even known she was capable of feeling.

Regret.

"Maka," Kami choked out, stumbling towards me before falling to her knees beside my seat, grasping my fists in her hands as she stared into my eyes. My stomach tightened uncomfortably, and my friends quietened and leaned away to give us space. I swallowed thickly. Where the hell was Soul when I needed him?!

My eyes fell back to Mama, and they widened again. It would seem Mama... cared? But since when? I hadn't seen such regret and sorrow in her eyes when I woke up at the hospital, or when she dropped me off at the institution. Or when my face was black and blue, or when my arm was snapped. Why did she suddenly care so much?

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Mama's eyes tightened painfully.

"Maka... Baby, I - "

"Mrs Albarn," Miss Marie's voice saved me. I hadn't noticed that she was stood behind Mama. She had a cluster of security guards behind her, all breathing heavily and eyeing Mama with annoyance, but Miss Marie's eyes were hard on my Mama. She looked so angry that my mouth fell open.

I hadn't spoken to Marie since I had threatened her. My personal sessions were with another woman I didn't even care to remember the name of. I was surprised at the relief that flooded through me when I saw Marie's kind and earnest face.

"Follow me. And I am not asking." She added sternly. Her eyes softened as they landed on me. She stepped forwards, a smile lighting her face when I offered her a smile.

"Maka, hunnie," she began softly. "I can escort your Mama from this building now - " she ignored my Mama's spluttering of outrage and kept her eyes on me as she continued. " - Or, you can come with us and we will allow you and your Mother to speak. Though, I cannot allow you to speak privately."

My eyes lowered to my shoes and Mama's voice came to an abrupt halt. I knew why Marie didn't want us to be alone. I pulled my hands from Mama's grasp and stood abruptly, only just becoming aware of all the other patients' eyes on me. I walked up to Marie and offered a nod. Marie smiled at me and looked to Kami.

"Please, follow me Mrs Albarn." Mama stood and looked from me to Marie warily.

"Alright," she said quietly, her eyes lowering. "And - and its Ms Nakamura."

I blinked, unable to make sense of this information.

"We can discuss this in a better place," Miss Marie said before I had a chance to speak and turned on her heels to lead us away.

***

"You divorced him." I stated bluntly.

It wasn't a question. Miss Marie, Mama, and me all stood on opposite sides of one of the English classrooms. Mama nodded to me slowly.

"There was no chance I could stand to be near him - never mind stay with him - after he lay his hands on you." She said firmly, her eyes expressing the agony of the thought. The fucking nerve.

"Why?" I asked coldly and Mama recoiled. "What was it so awful for you? You've hit me harder with you neglect for years."

Kami flinched. I made her flinch.

"Maka, I cannot tell you how sorry I am." She started in a choked voice. "I just - I don't know baby, I was blind. With rage towards your Papa, with my job, just everything - "

She ran a hand through her dishevelled hair. Her hands waving as she tried to think of the words to say.

"It just piled up. You always seemed independent - "

"Independent?!" I laughed in shock; my voice seemed so loud in the quiet room. Kami recoiled again.

"I didn't have a choice! I had to do everything on my own. Cook, clean, study, everything! What else could I do? I tried so _hard,_ Mama! To get some attention, get some motherly love, to try and tell you that Papa beat me every night when he came home drunk, while you just fucked off and left me alone with him!"

Well, that was a leap. Mama's face morphed to pure horror as Miss Marie turned her eyes down with a frown as she heard the one thing I had hidden from her, from Mama. Even Soul didn't know the severity of it.

"He what? That – That wasn't the first time?" Kami whispered, her voice cracking as tears fell from her eyes. I felt a flare of anger at how dense she was, how fucking blind she must have been. Suddenly I just felt tired. So, tired. I dragged a seat out and sat down with a nod.

"He hit me, Mama." I said, a weight lifted from my shoulders as I finally got say it. I finally got to tell her. I continued.

"Hard. _All the time._ You - you were never there. When I was younger, I used to shout for you when he did it, but you never came. After a while I just - gave up. Stopped shouting and just... I don't know, took it."

I shook my head. Mama was bawling now, her words not coming easy when she tried to speak.

"Younger?" she sobbed. "When - How long, Maka?"

I shook my head lightly in thought.

"I must have been, what? Four, five, when it first happened." Mama's cries worsened, though I didn't shed a tear as I relived Papa's thrashings.

"He was always so drunk. It was worse if you and he had argued that day, which was every day. He'd blame me. Say I was the reason you fought, and I ruined things between the two of you. But to be fair, he didn't like me since I was a girl anyway. " I laughed dryly. Mama's eyes widened and snapped up to me.

"The time when you were seven, on your birthday…" She trailed off. "When you broke your wrist – "

"Yeah. I didn't fall out of a tree."

Her cries had quietened. I looked up to see her just look broken. Exhausted. Her eyes were blank and hollow. I felt a pang of sorrow seeing my Mama like that. Never before had I wanted to hug my mother like I did now.

"I let this happen," she whispered to herself. I said nothing because it was true. "I - I let this... Oh my god."

She stood abruptly, her old spark returning so strongly it filled me with relief. Why would I be happy to see that traitor better? But I couldn't fight the feeling of love I felt for her. Kami strode right towards me, kneeling in front of me as she took my face in her hands.

"Maka Nakamura," Kami said, the name filling me with surprise and pleasure. I felt further away from my Papa, less tied down, which felt nice. "I am telling you now you are going to get better. Miss Marie is looking out for you, and I can tell already you're making progress. I can actually see emotion in your eyes now."

I fought a smile and she laughed breathlessly.

"And when you are, you're going to come home with me. I earned the outcome in our family since Spirit was an absolute - Ugh." She shook her head. "We are never going back to the forsaken house or that disgusting, hideous man. We're going to get him put away baby, for a long, _long_ time."

My eyes widened. Tell on Papa? Could I do that? Looking at the strength in Mama's eyes, I thought that maybe I could.

"And we're going to be happy, baby girl," Kami cried softly, pushing a stray hair from my eyes with so much tenderness it made tears well in my eyes. Kami looked at my face and smiled sadly.

"I'll look after you," she promised fiercely, and it made my heart swell. "I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Not me, not anyone. I promise. We will be a real family this time. Just me and you."

I was stunned. Was this the same Mama that raised me? My tears finally spilled from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.

"You seem like… You actually care," I whispered with a small, stunned laugh. Kami mirrored my chuckle.

"Yes, baby," she said. "So much. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for how I mistreated you. But only if you let me."

She added that almost painfully, her hand tightening on mine. It was then I realised she was waiting for an answer. Could I trust her? She did make my life miserable, allowed her husband to abuse me and abused me emotionally without even the care to even notice she was doing it. I looked down in contemplation, before raising my head and uttering the answer.

"No."

Kami's eyes widened and her hand fell from mine as she leaned back.

"No?" She whispered. I shook my head.

"I just - I have so many bad memories tied to you Mama," I tried to explain, my eyes hardening. "Papa hit me, yeah, but I felt more wounded by you. You didn't help me. You didn't even care enough to notice. There were so many signs, so many hidden threats in his words that I _know_ you heard. Sometimes I thought you would say something – But you never did."

Kami cried again and reached for my hand.

"But Maka - Baby, I'll do better. I will! Just please! Please give me a chance to be a better mother," she begged, but I continued to shake my head.

"I just need... I need time, Mama," I said, and Kami's voice quietened once more. "I need to be able to trust you, to know you. I don't even know who you are, what you're like."

"So, you might consider it?" Kami asked feebly, suddenly seeming more understanding. I met her gaze for a few moments and nodded.

"Yes," I said, and it felt right. "If we get to know each other more, I might feel... safe. Comfortable with you."

Kami smiled and nodded slowly before clearing her throat and standing. She faced Miss Marie, who stood stoically in the corner up until now.

"Would it be okay to arrange weekly visits? Maybe even trips every once in a while, with my daughter?" She asked, sounding all business, which was the way I knew her. Marie nodded slowly, her eyes moving to myself.

"So long as Maka doesn't disagree," she started sternly before nodding. "Then yes, that wouldn't be a problem."

Kami nodded gratefully before her eyes fell back to me. There was so much love and fondness in her gaze that I didn't even know could exist within my Mama.

"Then if that's okay with you, baby," she said softly. "I would like to visit more often. And maybe even we could go out sometime, I could take you book shopping?" she said teasingly, and I struggled to hide my surprise that Mama was aware of my love for books.

"... That would be nice," I said slowly, and Kami's face lit up with pleasure. "I'd - I'd really like that, Mama."

Kami nodded sharply, smiling brightly through her tears. "Then that's that."

***

I stood at the hospitals entrance and waved to Mama as she drove away, a very new sense of optimism building within me.

"I'm proud of you."

I whipped around to find Soul leaning on the door frame, grinning like a fool, while Miss Marie watched on with a smile. I smiled back and walked towards him to step into his opening arms and receive a much-needed embrace. I looked up to Miss Marie as I turned with Soul to re-enter the building.

"Can my personal sessions be with you again, Miss Marie?" I asked cautiously, watching her expression. "I - I want them to be with you."

Miss Marie smiled brightly. She gave me a quick hug and nodded to hide her tears. Soul chuckled and patted my back.

"We need to talk," he said it with a smile, but I could hear the strain in his voice. I smiled at Marie before turning to follow Soul. He promptly led me to our piano room.

***

The doors swung shut behind me and Soul sauntered forward as I halted in the middle of the room and crossed my arms, trying to ignore the sense of dread gnawing in my stomach.

"So," I said, trying to hide to fear in my voice. "What is it?"

I heard Soul release a long, tense breath as he turned around, his beautiful, pure crimson eyes pained when they met mine.

He met my eyes for a few moments longer before saying the words that made my world crumble around me.

"I'm leaving, Maka."

I stood still. Completely motionless. Soul's wine-red orbs bored into mine and they were hard. He was trying to hold back his emotion, trying to make this easier. How could this be easier?

"What… What do you mean?" I asked in a quiet, almost inaudible voice. Soul sighed softly.

"I mean what I said. I'm leaving."

"But _why?_ " I asked desperately, my hands clenching into fists at my sides and Soul dropped his head.

"Because I don't have a choice." He said quietly, though his voice shook with anger. He winced slightly and my eyes softened.

"What does… What does Oni think of this?"

Soul's head snapped up, he glared darkly at me.

"Don't speak of hi- _that_ as if it's a person. It's not real. It's just a fucked-up part of my brain, making me see the worst side of everything! Stop making out that it's some little – little _side-kick_ I have. Like it has some… opinion." He sneered the word. I fell a step back.

"It's not real." He finished, his voice lowering sinisterly again.

"Okay." I responded after a minute's silence. I raised my hands palm up as I took my first cautious step towards him. "Okay. He - It's not real. Just the fucked-up part of your brain. I get it."

Soul lifted his head to look warily at me, before dropping it once more. He nodded. I noticed his shoulders slump, and I took another step towards his less tense figure.

"So, can I know why?" I asked softly, though my insides were churning. My mind dropped dangerously low into the cold haze of grief. My mood shifted threateningly, but I couldn't let it. I had to be here for Soul.

"They're making me," he spat, pulling me from my inner turmoil. I frowned in confusion.

"They? You mean Sid and them? Because, why would they? They know you're not ready, they know you don't wan-"

"No, not them!" Soul snapped again, making me recoil once more. He threw his hands up in frustration. "God, Maka, put the pieces together! It's my parents. Because I've been avoiding them for so long. They're dragging me out of here."

"How? They don't have the right, do they?"

Soul scoffed, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"They have the right to anything. Money makes the world go around, Maka. And they have a reputation. One bad word said against this place by them, and it's gone. Vanished." He made a gesture of disappearance with his hands, letting them remain risen for a moment before dropping them in defeat. My heart broke.

"We can do something. Right? We can. I'll talk to Marie, we're fine now and, God knows she'll listen to me!"

Soul was shaking his head before I had even finished.

"You don't get it." He whispered, though his voice echoed in our room. "They're not just going to risk their entire institution for one guy. It this or me, Maka. They fight for me, say I'm not ready, tell them the absolute truth that if I leave now… I'll literally fall apart, then yeah, maybe my parents will get bored and let it go.

But if they do that, it hurts their stupid pride. It means they're at risk of losing this place. One bad word – If my parents tell anyone, the press or their friends shit like, this place fucked me up even more, made me worse… It's bye bye Abraham Falls.

Or they can just let me go. Keep helping people get on their feet, get better. They only let loose one mental case into the world, not hundreds. So, they'll be able to sleep at night just fine."

Soul slumped onto the piano seat, running his finger over the polished black, his eyes not meeting mine even once since they drew away in the first place.

"Soul," I began, my voice shaking as I stood to stand beside the piano, resting my hand on its sleek surface. "Remember that time you gave me a free pass? You know, when I asked why you were in the hospital?"

Soul just nodded. I swallowed thickly.

"Well, I want to request another one."

Soul rumbled a laugh as he looked up at me, some of his old, playful spark returning.

"That's a rather sizeable request, don't you think?" he teased me. I offered a small smile, but I didn't want to make jokes right now.

"I just thought maybe you'd be generous. You know since you'll be going soon."

Soul sobered up, his smile falling, and he nodded in one jerky motion. "Okay. One free pass. Go."

I nodded, tilted my head up as if it would make my fears sink out of me so there was only room left for courage. It didn't work.

I took a deep breath before quietly asking: "Why do you hate your parents?"

Soul didn't even respond at first, he just kept running his hand up and down the lid of the piano as if I hadn't said anything. A minute past before I cleared my throat and Soul sighed.

"I heard you," he said as I started to ask if he was even listening. Soul closed his eyes painfully. My chest tightened just looking at him.

"If you must know," he began, breathing out every word. "I hate my parents because they hate me."

He looked back down the to the piano lid as he said the three last words as if they had no effect on him at all. I turned my head in confusion.

"What do you mean, they hate you?" I asked a little too loudly, my voice bounced off the walls like hammers, making Soul wince. "All they ever do is try to see you, go places with you."

"Yeah, to torture me about what I did," he grumbled, glaring up at the ceiling in frustration. I took a seat beside him.

"What did you do?" I asked softly. Soul looked at me evenly.

"I grew up North of the City," he admitted, and my eyes widened. Soul shrugged.

"Yeah, my family were pretty well off. Well, very well off. My Mum liked the materials in life and that's most likely why she was with my Dad. My family are made up of musicians." Soul scoffed.

"Can't marry someone who isn't musically known and gifted in my family, probably why my Mum and Dad ended up together. And if you had kids, they had to learn an instrument too. My Mum played the harp and my Dad played the flute. When – "

Soul's voice broke. I frowned in confusion but barely had time to think before he went on.

"When my brother was born," he said in a voice I barely recognised. "They made him learn the violin from the day he could hold a bow. He was gifted in every singly way. He was a musical genius."

Soul shook his head fondly, but smiled a tight, pained smirk. I smiled.

"What's his name?" I asked. Soul's smile dropped; he turned his head away but carried on.

"Wes. My Mum and Dad adored him. He was everything they wanted him to be. They thought since they did so great the first time 'round they'd give it another go, two musical geniuses as sons would give them great publicity so I was born when Wes was eleven."

"Did you get an instrument too?" I asked but almost regretted it as Soul took a sharp intake of breath.

"Yeah," he breathed. "Piano, obviously. But – Unfortunately for my parents, I didn't go as smoothly as Wes. They got lucky with him. My music… It wasn't what they wanted. I could play, read music and the works. But my family's trait was composing. The reason Wes was so great was, with his music, he could make the audience feel _exactly_ what he wanted them to. And my parents wanted him to amaze them, so he did."

Soul sighed.

"But I – My music was dark, and… scary, I guess. I don't know, I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop it! My parents wanted pretty, light, happy and classy music. They wanted me to be like Wes, act like Wes but I _couldn't._ The music it- it reflected my mood. The more they told me to act like Wes the more I knew they didn't want me to be _me._ That made it worse."

I rested a hand on Soul's shoulder. He sighed and drew a hand up to rest on mine and squeeze it.

"I loved Wes." He told me honestly, looking up at me earnestly as he did. "He hated what my parents were doing, how they were neglecting me. I knew they hated me and so did Wes. It hurt Wes more than me 'cause he thought it was all his fault. That was Wes though,"

Soul smiled a broken smile and dropped my hand.

"He was just so good. He couldn't stand anyone being sad, let alone being the reason they were, and he felt he was. And I was the person he loved the most. But he didn't get it, it wasn't him, it was my parents."

Soul took a long shaky breath that shook slightly. My eyes flooded with dread and concern for him. The bad part was coming, and I knew it. I could hardly brace myself as Soul hung his head.

"One night I was arguing with my folks," he said. His voice sound so old. And so very, very sad. "I told them I didn't want to play the piano. I hated the piano. It was the real reason everything was so wrong. It was the reason my parents hated me, and my brother pitied me. It went on for a while till my Dad hit me, he would've got another punch in if it weren't for Wes. He pushed my Dad down and dragged me from the house and into his car. I remember,"

His eyes glazed over as he relived the memory.

"I was ten, so Wes was twenty-one. He was crying as he drove, and he held my hand. I remember holding my face, it… hurt. It hurt a lot and that made him cry even more. I remember – He was telling me we were going to leave. That we were going to get away from them and live together in our little house. I'd go to a normal school and have real friends, not stuck up ones who only liked me for my title. He said he'd pay the bills with teaching kids how to play the violin."

Soul smiled as a tear escaped from the corner of his eye, but he was quick to wipe it away.

"He always wanted to teach kids," he chuckled brokenly. I smiled with him. "I was so happy. I've never been as happy as I was then. I jumped up in my seat and Wes laughed at me, saying he's never seen me so…"

He trailed off, his eyes turning cold. He cleared his throat abruptly.

"He lost control of the car because of my excitement." He went on, his voice completely void of any emotion.

"We crashed and I woke up in the hospital with my parents faces glaring at me. At first, I thought they were worried about me, but they were angry. Wes had died and they blamed me. Obviously, I had to go back with them, and this time I didn't have Wes to protect me. They tried to change me, to shape me into the man Wes was. They said I had to replace him since I killed him."

Soul sneered and squeezed his eyes shut.

"They never even let me go to the funeral," he told me, his voice revealing his bewilderment towards the fact. And the agony.

"They said I shouldn't have the right to go since I was the reason that he was dead. That was one of the worst parts," he shook his head angrily.

"So, yeah," he finished, shrugging his arms casually in attempt to hide his hurt. "That's why I hate them. And that's what triggered my mental disorder. I killed my brother so a demon in my head tells me how disgusting I am every day since now my parents can't."

I didn't even know what to say – But that didn't matter since Soul had already stood up.

"Where are you – "

"I answered your question." He said sharply and I frowned as he kept his back to me. "I needed to tell you I was leaving since I knew you'd be upset. I have now, so we can go."

My brow furrowed further at his coldness.

"Well – Yes, I'm upset. You're literally the only thing that holds me together."

Soul didn't say anything – I almost wished I could take the words back based on how he was reacting to them.

"I get why they say it now," he ran a hand over his face and turned to face me. "They always say don't do romance at a place like this. It won't help anyone. I didn't get it, but I do now."

I stood slowly from the bench to stand across from him.

"What are you talking about?" I asked cautiously. Soul shook his head.

"You rely on me. You rely on me so much and that was fine but – Now I'm leavin' and you won't have me. So, now you're just gonna get worse and I won't be here to – "

He trailed off, looking at me with an expression that was almost annoyed.

"This wouldn't be this way if we hadn't done this." He gestured around the room. "If I had just left you alone and likewise, I would just leave and that would be it. No harm done. But we had to go down that road and just fuck everything up."

I could barely comprehend what he was saying. Soul had never treated me like this. He was acting as if he regretted ever having this relationship with me – Whatever it was.

"Soul, you're not – You don't mean that." I managed. Soul's expression didn't change. "You helped me, and I helped you. This will always have been a good thing."

"No," he ran a hand through his hair. "We were too reliant on each other. It was dumb and toxic. Especially in a place like this."

I was at a loss for words. What was he doing right now?

"I shouldn't have pursued you. I should have thought about the consequences, but I didn't." He shrugged. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not," I told him as I stepped forward to stand in front of him. He hung his head back before dropping his gaze to look down on me. "You helped me more than anyone. We can find a way out of this – We'll fix it and you won't have to leave."

"Will you listen to yourself?" He snapped and I jumped. "You're just proving my point. You lean on me way too much – And I shouldn't have taken this role. One crazy person resting on another is just a recipe for disaster. And you know it."

I couldn't believe he just said that. I fell a step away – I thought I saw a flicker of regret in his eyes but that could have just been my imagination. I didn't stay to find out as I walked around him and ran from that room as quickly as I could.


End file.
